We got ahold of Santa’s list for each NHL team, and this is what they should expect under the tree today.
The NHL does not play games on Christmas Day, likely because the league has yet to find a way to make more revenue from it. So for three days, everyone involved in the game will have some time to spend with their loved ones before getting back to the grind of the season.
Santa has made his list and checked it twice. You know, the way the NHL war room has to check EVERY SINGLE GOAL THAT IS SCORED IN EVERY GAME because secretly, the NHL hates goals. Because if a team gives up a goal, that might affect league-wide parity.
In any event, we hate to spoil the surprise, but THN.com got ahold of Santa’s list for each NHL team. Whether they were naughty or nice, all 31 teams that will play in the NHL in 2017 will find something under the tree. Here they are:
GIFT: Tracking Tile
DESCRIPTION: “Help them keep track of their stuff with these tracking tiles. You simply attach them to anything you don’t want to lose and you’ll be able to locate it quickly and easily using your smartphone. Purses, keys, and wallets are some obvious choices, but you can also be creative.”
WHY? This might help the Ducks find their game and actually play it for more than one game in a row.
DESCRIPTION: “One of the best-selling interactive toys right now on Amazon.com, this super cute FurReal friend responds to touch and interaction with 50 sounds and motion combinations. Plus, you can feed him, fill his tank with water and watch him breath colored mist and burp!”
WHY? Can’t you just see it now? An Arizona sports fan tells his wife: “Hey, honey, the Coyotes have a real dragon that breaths colored mist an burps! That’ll make it worth the 50-mile drive in the blinding sun to see one of the worst teams in the NHL!”
GIFT: Nerf RotoFury Blaster
DESCRIPTION: “One of the best Nerf guns to come out in awhile, the RotoFury sends screaming missiles up to 90 feet and is highly accurate. You’ve just got to check out the video of this thing in action, both for accuracy and distance.”
WHY? The goal-starved Bruins and their league-low shooting percentage of 6.8 percent can use some help with their aim.
GIFT: Alarm Clock on Wheels
DESCRIPTION: “This alarm clock will do its best to make you try to catch it, rolling off your nightstand and onto the ground. By the time you catch up to it and turn it off, you’ll already be up and moving, reducing the likelihood of getting back in bed and hitting the snooze button.”
WHY? Perhaps this can help the Sabres wake up in time for the start of their games. They’re one of the lowest-scoring first period teams in the league.
DESCRIPTION: “See you later Easy Bake Oven! With this Girl Scout cookie oven you actually see your cookies baking!”
WHY? It will give the Flames a good use for Johnny Gaudreau’s oven mitt glove when he stops using it.
GIFT: Backyard Ice Rink Kit
DESCRIPTION: “Build your child their own ice rink in their own backyard! This would be the coolest, most exciting gift of their lives! They can play hockey, skate or simply slide around on this amazing self-built rink!”
WHY? Because the best part is it has no cooling system that will break down hours before a game.
GIFT: Custom Bobblehead
DESCRIPTION: “This service takes a photograph you send in and makes a bobblehead that looks a lot like the person you want it to. It’s a great gift for anyone that thinks they deserve a bobblehead in their likeness, but aren’t famous enough to actually merit one.”
WHY? So the constantly changing cast of no-name players that play behind the Hawks’ stars every year can get some recognition, too.
COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS
GIFT: Growing Wishes Seed Kit
DESCRIPTION: “This seed kit allows them to plant seeds that represent different wishes, and then watch them grow. It’s great for all ages, and has wishes for friendship, strength, love, clarity, happiness, and joy. They can watch their wishes come true as they burst forth from the soil.”
WHY? So the Blue Jackets can’t plant this and make a wish that December, 2016 would never, ever end.
GIFT: Giant Stuffed Unicorn
DESCRIPTION: “Magic does exist – especially on Christmas. Tell Santa to give your little unicorn-lover a dream gift this year. Measuring about three feet in height, your kid will love befriending this sturdy plush uni.”
WHY? Because a stuffed unicorn is the perfect thing to keep everyone’s mind off how truly messed up the Avs are these days.
DESCRIPTION: “Your little blockhead will have fun opening this one on Christmas morning. By simply pressing the button on the top of the Creeper’s head, it will explode. After all, exploding into little bits and pieces is the signature Creeper move.”
WHY? It could replace Lindy Ruff behind the bench for a couple of games. That way Ruff’s own head won’t explode watching one of the league’s most confounding, underachieving teams.
DETROIT RED WINGS
DESCRIPTION: “The View-Master you remember has been remastered for a new generation. Download the app, slide in your smartphone, and with one click the updated lens (featuring Google Cardboard technology) will transport your kid to a 3-D virtual world right from home.”
WHY? In early April, the Red Wings will be able to wear these things and pretend they’re actually in the playoffs for the 26th straight season.
DESCRIPTION: “Because what kid doesn’t love a Hulk that can totally smash things up!?”
WHY? The Oilers could use this guy to respond to the increasing constant muggings Connor McDavid is enduring this season. What? There are referees and a rulebook for that sort of thing? Yeah, thanks, but we’ll just spend the 70 bucks and get our own Hulk.
DESCRIPTION: “Play the family-friendly card game that was the most backed project in Kickstarter history.”
WHY? Because it’s called Exploding Kittens. That perfectly describes the Panthers of 2016-17.
LOS ANGELES KINGS
DESCRIPTION: “The perfect DIY gift for kids to draw, illustrate and create their very own comic book. Once completed, send it in and you’ll get it back looking professional!”
WHY? Because it’s the perfect gift for the revisionist historian in the family. A great vehicle for GM Dean Lombardi to create a world where he didn’t sign recent healthy scratch Marian Gaborik to a seven-year contract extension that still has four years at an annual cap hit of $4.9 million.
DESCRIPTION: “This pillow resembles a mixtape like the ones back in the 80’s and early 90’s before CDs started taking over. The great part about it is that it’s personalized with whatever you want it to say, and even better it has an A Side and B Side for double customization.”
WHY? Wild coach Bruce Boudreau will now be able to go to bed every night to a continuous loop of, “Devan Dubnyk will be healthy all season.”
DESCRIPTION: “It’s a fun twist on classic game, and we love it! Revel in the thrill of watching your child’s eyes light up as they squeal every time a tooth is pressed, and the hippo may (or may not!) chomp down on a Play-Doh fish.”
WHY? You never know whether it’s going to chomp down or not, kind of like it is with Andrew Shaw.
DESCRIPTION: “Lolz for days. Players simply put in a game mouthpiece, pick a card, and try to say the phrase on the card until someone guesses it. You look funny while being funny. It’s a win-win.”
WHY? Wouldn’t it be fun to see P.K. Subban use this thing to tell us what he really thinks of Canadiens GM Marc Bergevin?
NEW JERSEY DEVILS
DESCRIPTION: “A great option for small spaces.”
WHY? The Devils could play each other. That way somebody on that team would have to experience what it’s like to win a game.
NEW YORK ISLANDERS
GIFT: Slush Mug
DESCRIPTION: “There is not a child alive that does not love a slushy! Making them can be a pain unless you have a mug that requires no ice, no blender and no work! Get one now so your child can make any of their favorite drinks into an ice cold dream!”
WHY? Because it would probably make better ice than the Barclays Center.
NEW YORK RANGERS
DESCRIPTION: “All kids have feelings -lots of them. With this toy, kids can shine light on their feelings by simply turning the flashlight on and seeing a helpful Moodster character appear!”
WHY? The Rangers could help themselves feel better by shining this light on a future that is virtually bereft of NHL prospects.
GIFT: Toothpaste tube wringer
DESCRIPTION: “Depending on their personality this can either be a gag gift for the person that likes to throw their money around, or an apt gift for the penny pincher. It lets them get the last itty bit of toothpaste from the tube without causing any strife.”
WHY? Because Senators coach Guy Boucher has extracted more from less than any coach in the NHL this season.
GIFT: Worry Eating Plush Pals
DESCRIPTION: “These adorable, worry-eating plush pals will make your kiddo feel so much better. When your child feels concerned, stressed, or anxious, she can write it down on a piece of paper. Then, the plush pal literally eats it, and just like that, the worry is gone! Does this work for adults, too?”
WHY? One of Flyers president Paul Holmgren’s last transactions as GM of the Flyers in 2014 was to sign Andrew MacDonald to a six-year deal worth $30 million. The Worry Eating Plush Pall could literally eat the contract and just like that, it’s gone!
DESCRIPTION: “This little parakeet is pretty much like a real live parakeet, but without the messy clean-up. They’ll learn your name, answer some questions, mash up your sentences to create some funny one-liners and much, much more. Much more!”
WHY? Because this was literally the most useless toy we could find. The Penguins already have everything.
SAN JOSE SHARKS
GIFT: Star Wars Furbacca Furby
DESCRIPTION: “Because you should totally pair up your kids love of all things Furby with your obsession with Star Wars. Slated to be the No.1 best-selling Furby of all time!”
WHY? Because it can keep Brent Burns company.
ST. LOUIS BLUES
DESCRIPTION: “Here’s a glass is half empty, half full sort of gift. Right at the middle of the glass there is a line and above it ,it says optimist and below it it says pessimist. In relation to how much drink you have left this has a double meaning.”
WHY? Because you never really know whether or not you should believe in this team.
TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING
GIFT: Lucky Elephant
DESCRIPTION: “Give them the gift of luck with this Lucky Elephant. It’s a cute sculpture that they can place indoors or in a garden, and is meant to bring luck upon all that see it. If they are into astrology and symbolism they’ll love to receive a gift like this.”
WHY? Because if there’s one team in the league that needs some better luck in 2017, it’s the Lightning.
TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS
GIFT: Finding Dory
DESCRIPTION: “From the hottest movie of the year, Finding Dory, you can now take her with your wherever you go (out of water only!). When you move her left she says one thing, when you move her right she says another. Help Dory find her family and friends. She sings songs, speaks “whale” to you, and says over 50 fun phrases.”
WHY? With that defense corps, they might want to see if they can find former Leaf defenseman Jim Dorey, who is now 69 years old and selling insurance in Kingston.
GIFT: Googly Eyes Drawing Game
DESCRIPTION: “Simply put on some vision-altering goggles, start drawing, and have your team try to guess what exactly it is that you’re drawing. We used to play this in college with beer goggles, but this is the kid-friendly version and really fun for the whole fam.”
WHY? Put these on, watch the Canucks play, and everything will be just fine.
VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS
DESCRIPTION: “There are a bunch of different ‘eggs’ you can buy that are all interactive. Your kids can care for them, and then suddenly they hatch with a surprise animal inside. How cool! With Hatchimal names like owlicorn, penguala, draggles, burtle, or bearakeet we can only assume these guys are a mix of owl-unicorns, penguin-koalas, and…uh…dog fraggles?”
WHY? When GM George McPhee sees what’s actually available in the expansion draft, he might want to take his chance on hatching some mutant rather than taking another team’s problem contract.
GIFT: Namaste Monk
DESCRIPTION: “This monk will get you into the nirvana sort of mood each time you see him. Makes a great addition to your entryway so that he can greet you when you get home and send you off with the right frame of mind. Definitely not something they’ll expect, but they’ll appreciate it.”
WHY? It could help the Capitals from that moment in time in the playoffs when they fall apart every year after hitting a little adversity.
DESCRIPTION: “No bar is complete without a way to quickly and easily dispense liquor. This dispenser mounts to your wall, freeing up counter space on a crowded bar, and making it super easy to pour just the right amount into a drink or shot glass.”
WHY? With the lack consistency his team has displayed this season, we figure coach Paul Maurice would really appreciate one of these right about now.