As the NHL labor war between owners and players extends into its fourth month, it can be easy to lose track of all the people and events that led us to where we are today. How well do you know your lockout? Answer these important questions and find out.
1. The term “H.R.R.” stands for:
(a) Help Riches Remain
(b) Hockey-Related Rancor
(c) Hurt Resources Repeatedly
(d) Hainsey, Ron: Ruffian
2. NHL vice-president Bill Daly said there is a hill owners are prepared to die on. To what hill was he referring?
(a) Solsbury Hill
(b) Lauryn Hill
(c) Hilary Duff
(d) Hill of Beans
3. True or false: One of the two sides is falsely accused of not truly being interested in a new collective bargaining agreement.
(c) True, false – meh. These concepts are too absolute for the complex world we inhabit.
(d) Hold on a second – say that again? I’m refusing to answer until a federal mediator clarifies this question.
4. A northbound train carrying NHL owners leaves Manhattan’s Grand Central Station at a speed of 120 miles per hour. At the same time, a southbound train carrying NHL players leaves Toronto’s Union Station at a speed of 126 mph. In which North American city will the trains pass each other?
(a) Trick question: both trains barely made it 100 feet before everybody got out and accused the other side of derailing the process.
(b) HOW MANY TIMES MUST WE TELL YOU – IT’S AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION. Damned nosy media.
(c) There is no (c) or (d). The correct answer to this question is (a).
5. What previous unknown is Hollywood agents calling “the breakout star” of the lockout?
(a) Guy Serota
(b) The NHL Podium
(c) Bruins owner Jeremy JacobWAHAHAHAHA (sorry, tried to finish that, but couldn’t keep it together long enough).
(d) It’s you. It’s been you all along.
6. The biggest difference between the current lockout and the 2004-05 lockout is:
(a) Both sides have had practice, so they’re much better at it now.
(b) Bob Goodenow’s head wasn’t mounted on the wall of Gary Bettman’s den eight years ago.
(c) Four words: I don’t care anymore.
(d) The years, dummy. Yeesh.
7. If I had to choose a theme song for this lockout, I’d choose:
(a) “We Didn’t Start The Fire” by Billy Joel
(b) “Still The Same” by Bob Seger
(c) “Call The Union” by Harrison Mooney
(d) “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley
8. True or False: Nobody – NOBODY – is more disappointed to cancel all these games than Gary Bettman.
9. The ungracious Tweets we’ve seen from some NHL players toward Gary Bettman and the owners are a result of:
(a) Not knowing the difference between Tweeting and sending a direct message on Twitter.
(b) Hackers! Honestly! In fact, it was probably that awful “Anonymous” hacker group! They’re highly invested in this labor fight!
(c) Not paying attention when they were students at NHL Charm School.
(d) That s.o.b. (circle one) Sean Avery/Matt Cooke/Raffi Torres/Dave ‘The Hammer’ Schultz
10. The best way the NHL can make it up to fans for subjecting them to this lockout garbage for the second time in less than a decade is:
(a) A re-staging of the flash mob wedding scene from The Office by everybody who was involved with negotiations.
(b) Having both sides agree to fight, Hunger Games style, before a lockout happens in the future.
(c) Another super-classy, incredibly costly “Thank you fans!” message stenciled into the ice. (Hey, it worked last time.)
(d) You know, by NOT EVER DOING IT AGAIN. EVER. I MEAN IT.
Adam Proteau is writer and columnist for The Hockey News and a regular contributor to THN.com. For more great profiles, news and views from the world of hockey, subscribe to The Hockey News magazine.