The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
It all started so innocently, so benignly, some 34 years ago in the small mid-Eastern Western coastal village of Vantaa, Finland.
Born May 24, 1973, the seventh son of a first generation immigrant pool chemical salesman, Ville Peltonen showed early on, superior physical prowess well beyond his years.
His mother remembers Ville as a baby who not only could change his own diapers, but who could also take down a charging, belligerent water buffalo with a simple, but lethal, flick of a moistened soother.
Â“He is muscles like salsa lawnchair alligator,Â” his mother Etta-Petta Kroo says through a discount translator.
But, as well as displaying awesome physical abilities in his earliest years, Ville also started to show something of a budding, ominous mean streak. During a routine second grade Finnish school lunch break, traditionally known as konaroohullaballoo, it is said Ville forcibly removed a banana from a classmate’s lunch and went so far to feign a couple of bites before returning it, unscathed but slightly bruised, to the startled youngster. Ville, of course, was sentenced to 38 consecutive days of detentions and herring study, in accordance to Finnish Common Law.
It actually became a true blessing in disguise that Ville had developed a real talent for the game of hockey. His natural inclination towards violent behavior now, seemingly, had an acceptable instrument for his emotional outbursts. He no longer had to resort to crushing crayons and re-arranging magazines to deal with his ever-increasing irrational temper. If he felt like taking a Too Many Men penalty to thoroughly thrash his wild oats, then thrash he would.
Ville Peltonen became like a squirrel at a walnut factory.
His terribly brutal disposition came to a head in 1997 while playing for the Frolunda HC Billygoats; a season that would see Ville rack up an incredible 44 penalty minutes in a mere 45 games. This time, according to Bylaw 6 Zoot of Finnish Common Law, Peltonen would be banished to a lukewarm sauna in a repulsive part of town that had no running water and that served only tepid, unexciting red wines. And of course, he would have to formally re-apply to the government to have his salad bar privileges reinstated.
It was after that disastrous and notorious season that Peltonen decided to return to North America to escape the hell he had created for himself in his native Finland. It was in the National Hockey League that Peltonen hoped to get his life back in order and to escape the vicious cycle of violence that had him headed straight for career banishment or possibly even the dreaded traffic court. It was here he hoped to turn it all around.
But that dream of his died very early Monday morning with his arrest on criminal mischief charges while carousing with a teammate in a popular south Florida nightspot. Witnesses report Peltonen broke a metal pole off a fire rescue truck causing almost $58 in damage and severe emotional trauma to both a junior firefighter who waxes the pole and the pole’s immediate family.
Â“We all loved that pole,Â” Dade County Inspector Richard Newburry said, attempting to fight back the tears.
Â“The guy’s a monster,Â” Newburry added.
Unfortunately, Ville Peltonen’s checkered past has caught up with him once again.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org