Loose Change: Alma Matters

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

It’s March Madness time.

For those of you who are not basketball fans – you’re assuming an evil, Asian-based neurological virus has made its way to the western world and promises to wipe out everything east of Portland, Maine by Saturday (projections are actually for full devastation by Tuesday, but don’t let this stop you from pouring the foundation for your bunker).

For basketball fans, your disruption of brain activity is probably very similar to the virus except, instead of yelling “My ear is bubbling,” you’re bellowing out chants of “Go Fighting Lumberjacks”.

March Madness is a time for learning. You learn college Lit professors don’t look particularly appealing in war paint. You learn young girls in tight sweaters like to say “woo” a lot. And you learn Belmont is both a race track and a Tennessee college (a college with its own race track? – cool).

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Colleges used to have easy names like Utah or Utah State. Now colleges are named Winthrop, Butler, Davidson, Jackson State and All State. Anything, it seems, can now pass for the name of a college. With that in mind, it’s surprising how many colleges we have in the NHL.

A tidy list of 12 methinks.


12. TJARNQVIST. Not to be confused with Tjarnqvist State (Arizona)

11. SIMON STATE. Currently under NCAA suspension.

10. VANEK. Trade School. Cafeteria serves best wings in Northeast.

9. PETTINGER. Ivy League. Russian Studies is huge.

8. GIONTA. Small school in Jersey. I mean really small.

7. EMERY. Great fight song. Great fight chant. Great fight nachos.

6. AVERY ACADEMY. Bringing psychology to a new level.

5. DUMONT. French immersion, in Tennessee? Whatever.

4. HEATLEY. Ask about our dental program.

3. JANSSEN. Lowest GPA in the nation.

2. CROSBY STATE. The Green Wave or Greenbacks, I think they’re called.

1. RAYCROFT. Second tier. Pretty much anyone can get in.

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on

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