The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
All right people, it looks very much like our new king could be wearing a greasy ball cap before long. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Hell, aren’t the Hurricanes just supposed to be one of those novelty teams that Grandma thought you liked when she bought you that ill-advised jersey?
It appears as if their reign is about to become reality. But have you really though this through? Are you really prepared for what it will mean to have the Carolina Hurricanes as your Stanley Cup champions?
First off, they’ll be really pushing the NHL to install that three-point arc.
They’ll be duck hunting between periods.
Player’s names on the Stanley Cup will be Â“brought to you by Mopar.Â”
And the folks at savethewhalers.com will be even more militant than before. Jim Rutherford had better beef up security to combat the expected marauding hordes of Connecticut insurance agents with hell raising on their mind.
And they’ll be so many Mike Commodore grooming copycats that it will look like we’ve been taken over by Vikings.
They’ll go back to the one Zamboni-system, which will be OK since the rink can be re-surfaced in 21 seconds with a six hundred horsepower python under the hood.
Rod Brind’Amour’s name will be unrecognizable when he replaces that apostrophe with six letters (all consonants).
Teams will start travelling to road games in ten-year-old Winnebagos.
Gary Bettman will start using Â“Y’allÂ” a lot more than a man from New Jersey rightfully should.
And Â“free pack of smokesÂ” nights will return to the league.
I hope you’re prepared.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at [email protected]