The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
I think it’s safe to assume two things about the city of Ottawa: (1) it’s populated largely by lemmings and (2) Chicken Little has a prominent position in city council.
Have you ever heard so much negative talk and such a defeatist attitude coming from this town? Well, actually you have Â– many times to be exact Â– I mean it is Ottawa. The Senators have historically tripped more than Keith Richards and fallen more than a one-legged table.
Still, all is not lost and you know what they say about all clouds having silver linings Â– truthfully I have never seen linings of any color on a cloud and then again, why does having added color somehow upgrade its value?
Regardless, if you can suspend the convictions and knowledge you have of clouds and believe in this magic metallic rim thing, you can also probably find a way to get the Senators back into this series.
The trick is how you look at it and believing you can truly alter its present course.
The good news is the Ducks have totally dominated this series. They have controlled every aspect and are statistically superior. The only category Ottawa leads in is in calls to 911. There is no way this trend can continue indefinitely. These are Ducks. The law of averages strictly dictates that waterfowl cannot exercise this much ultimate control over anything except, perhaps, certain wingless insects.
Add to that the intangible advantage of playing at home. The Sens love playing at Scotiabank Place simply from the homey feeling they get from their raucous fans and in representing an east coast bank with a phenomenal checking-account policy.
Plus, the vast majority of the world truthfully doesn’t give a loud damn about the Anaheim Ducks. Who are they representing? Twelve city blocks and a hot dog stand? Their proposed Stanley Cup Parade route is Brian Burke’s basement (good tickets still available). These Ducks could fall off the edge of the earth and The Audubon Society wouldn’t even file an accident report.
And Ottawa? You have a whole country behind you. You have united a people behind your quest to return the Stanley Cup to its home and native land. The better part of 34 million people supporting, hoping and praying for you. (Hoping because they’re Canadian and they do that and praying because they know it’s you with your colorful past.)
Sure, you don’t have a lot of positive past team experience to draw from, but at least you’re not constantly being distracted and intimidated by someone like Jean Beliveau walking though your dressing room, reminding you of how much a failure and an embarrassment you’ve been to your entire family. Hell, in your family, you’re already Bill Gates.
You have possibly five more games to play, four of which you must win. An .800 clip? Pretend you’re Seabiscuit.
And best of all, Alexandre Daigle is nowhere in sight.
Do I detect a smile?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org