The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Darcy, Lindy, this thing has got to stop. Not only is your feud escalating to ridiculous levels, but it’s starting affect the kids. I know it’s one of those He Said/She Said things (you can choose your gender), but we all know there’s too much love in the room for it to continue much longer.
Lindy, I know what that little pirate apparently did to the best German on your team and Darcy, I know how much you hate being picked on, but there is hope for this relationship yet. We can mend these broken fences. We can turn this hatred to a simmering disgust. And I know just the thing to do itÂ…
If there’s one thing I’ve always counted on over the years (other than Oprah’s ability to make me weep) it’s the power of greeting cards. Somehow those 10-year-old Nicaraguans always know the exact right things to say.
Allow the emotional powers of the bristol elixirs to permeate your soul. Feel the love boys, feel the love.
Darcy, here’s one to get the ball rolling:
I know that you don’t like me much,
I see that’s very clear.
But to clarify this issue up,
I actually meant to spear.
Or this one (in Seussian prose):
You are the one
You are such fun
I do not run just anyone
Lindy, try this:
If I ever get my hands on you
You dirty little thug,
I’ll wrap my hands around your neck
And kill you with a hug.
My anger gets the best of me
I let my temper run too free.
I worry ’bout Jochen’s knee.
I don’t like him getting mauled.
I probably doth protest too much.
I swear and spit and curse and such
I think I may have lost my touch
I don’t like going bald.
Of course if you find that these don’t work, chocolates are always a nice touch.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at [email protected]