The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
What’s that old saying? When the going gets rough the rough make lemonade? (Or something to that effect.).
Well, to put it bluntly, it’s pretty much time for the Flyers to start making some rough lemonade. The team sits last in the entire Eastern Conference with seven points in their first 14 games. A playoff spot for the Flyers is still a possibility in much the same way Woody Allen may possibly pose for Playgirl.
Changes have to be made, and fast. And they have to be drastic, dramatic and well, dramatically drastic.
Peter Forsberg needs a new nickname. In case you haven’t heard Peter goes by the moniker of…gulpÂ…Foppa. Isn’t that some sort of skin ailment that killed helpless African children in the 19th century? Sure, Daniel Alfredsson may look like a Muppet but Peter Forsberg is one. This has to change, quickly. Who wants to follow a man whose name resembles a term of endearment for your 96-year-old Croatian grandfather? Our suggestion for a new nickname: Sampson Wonderpants.
Next up, fire the coaches. All of them. Who needs coaches these days anyway? The players are so smart and schooled in the ways of the NHL already, plus most coaches realistically do little more than take lunch orders and remove lint from the back of the players’ jerseys anyway. This simple yet effective move would reduce overall team salary as well as providing much-needed point-of-purchase display space on the bench. The Mike Rathje Pilates DVDs won’t move themselves you know.
And you need to make some trades. The Flyers aren’t exactly swimming in talent right now and could utilize a positive infusion of talented youngsters, mobile defensemen, solid veterans, scoring forwards, bruising wingers, limber goalies, swift centers, adept power play specialists and pretty much anyone with a pulse of some sort. Perhaps you might ship Sami Kapanen to Calgary for Jarome Iginla and Dion Phaneuf or R.J. Umberger to Pittsburgh for Crosby and a player to named later. Smart trades require good timing, expert judgment and incriminating photos (whenever possible).
Next, we need to change that logo. It seems to have been around since Christ was a cowboy and it is only a cruel, cruel reminder of the organization’s success from a long bygone era when the National Hockey League was just an obscure blip on the American sporting radar (the first time, at least). A new logo requires flair, zest, and any other names of soap you can think of. We think it needs an eagle or two, some flames and a rocket. An eagle flying a rocket would be really cool.
Perhaps it’s also time to move the team from Philadelphia to a place more conducive and accepting of its mediocre status. That way the team gets a new start with inherent low expectations, plus the good citizens of Philly would not have to face any more embarrassment beyond that overwhelming stench they’re already famous for, and for having the distinction of being the hallowed and historic birthplace of the drive-by.
And finally, should all else fail, how about a good, old-fashioned telethon? If you can pick up the phone for Epilepsy, Crohn’s disease or Bladder Implosion, one would think you certainly could give to a real troubling cause. Hell, you might even be able to rope Jerry Lewis himself into hosting the blasted thing (although I’ve heard he tends to only support causes he feels can be cured.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org