The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Life is not nearly as random as one might think. What’s responsible for the Oilers beating the Wings or Dallas tanking against Colorado? It’s actually more a question of who. A guy named Herb to be exact. Herb, the God of Sports Upsets. We had a chance to talk to him on Wednesday.
Loose Change: You’ve had quite the busy couple of weeks.
Herb: Yeah. I started out east and ended up being out in Edmonton on Tuesday.
LC: That was quite coup you pulled for the Oilers.
Herb: It wasn’t actually that monumental. We have a long-running account with Detroit, so it was just simply a case of following the pattern.
LC: So what happened with Montreal? It looked as if something huge was brewing and then it just fizzled out.
Herb: After Game 2 in that series I was informed by accounting that their check didn’t clear, so naturallyÂ…
LC: Why were all the upsets in the west and nothing in the east?
Herb: Do you know how hard it is to get a connecting flight out of Edmonton?
LC: Do you enjoy your job?
Herb: It’s nice to read about your work from time to time but it doesn’t have the same security as say, Phil the God of Gimmees.
LC: Any great memories to share with us?
Herb: Working as a consultant on the movie Hoosiers was quite the hoot. I got to meet Gene Hackman.
LC: Do you like working hockey?
Herb: Hockey players are such nice folk, so it’s really hard to do my job. Sergei Zubov and I play golf together in the summer, so I’m not looking forward to facing him.
LC: How many Sports Gods are there?
Herb: I don’t have an actual number, but it would likely be a dozen or so. Cutbacks have really hurt us recently, although we are expanding in some areas.
Herb: The Sports Phenoms department is really taking off. They just had two hires, Jeremy something and someone else. Y’know, snotty college show-me-the-money types.
LC: So you’ve been at this job a while?
Herb: You remember back in Troy when Gladius kicked the stuffing out of Shazerra the Great on a lame quad? Remember he had that bad case of gout as well? Probably too young for that. So, yes, I have.
LC: If you were NHL Commissioner for a day, what would you do?
Herb: I’d get rid of the shootout. The pay sucks.
LC: Anything big happening in the second round that you can let us in on?
Herb: Keep a real close eye on Ottawa. You never know what you might seeÂ…
LC: The Sens get upset by Buffalo?
Herb: Oh, Hell no. I’ll be playing SpartaCat for Games 2 and 5. I’m not actually working this round.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
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