The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
(This may or may not be an actual transcript from an actual call-in hotline. Chances are a lot of these conversations have taken place every year, like moths in August)
Operator: Hello, Suicide Prevention HotlineÂ…How can I help?
Caller: It’s not worth it anymore.
O: What’s not worth it, sir?
C: I mean, you believe it’ll all work out in the end and you put everything you have into it and it still comes crashing down around you, year after year.
O: Is this a failed business of yours, sir?
C: No. I wish.
O: Marriage then?
C: No, no. I’m a Hawks fan.
O: Oh I see. Are you alone?
C: Lady I’m a Hawks fan. What do you think?
O: Oh I see. Nothing sharp in the house near you, I hope.
C: No. Sharpest thing I own is my dog Travolta and he supports the Avalanche.
O: So you’re very depressed then?
C: I’d say I was depressed the first 10 years or so. After this long? If hell had a basementÂ…
O: You have to look on the bright side, sir.
C: Bright side? You do follow hockey, right?
O: You have to remember the good times.
C: Look, I wasn’t even the size of a Junior Mint in 1961 and as for 1992 that was a downright tease. I play the good fan. I go to games. I support my team and I feel optimistic every September for about 12 days, but then every stinking year they break my freaking heart.
O: But you have to believe in something. If you give up believing in something, what to you have left?
C: A Coyotes fan?
O: Sir, no matter how bleak it gets, we have to press onwards.
C: That sounds great lady, but I just don’t think I have anything left to hang on to. I would be much happier and this world would be a much better place with one less Chicago Blackhawks fan in existence.
O: But sirÂ…
C: Look lady, I appreciate your effort, but it’s probably just my time.
O: Could you hang on one more minute? I have to take this call.
C: (miffed, disgruntled and playfully petting Travolta)
O: Sorry sir, just a Maple Leafs fan. I put him on hold. Now where were we?
C: You probably should take that call.
O: No, it’s OK, I canÂ…
C: No really take that call.
O: Are you sure you’re OK with that?
C: Look Hun, I may have some issues to deal with here, but even I’m not that depressed.
O: Well, thank you, I will take the call. Feel free to phone back again later.
C: Don’t know that I need to. I mean we do have Jonathan Toews and at least we’ve been to the final.
O: That’s the spirit. Take care of yourself.
C: You too. And take care of that Leaf guy.
O: (hangs up)
C: …poor bastard (hangs up)
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org