The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Ok, so you’re in a quandary.
You may have recently inflicted some mental, physical and emotional trauma to a certain someone you sort-of-know and in doing so you’re now thinking perhaps you may want to do something to possibly rectify this ugly situation.
But how do you go about fixing something this heinous? How do you rightfully and sincerely say, Â“I’m sorry about that partial decapitation?Â”
First off, you must realize your efforts to repair the severe damage you’ve caused may turn out to be futile. There is a distinct possibility your concussed victim may (a) not be willing to forgive you; (b) still be very angry with you; (c) think you’re an elephant.
It’s your job to adamantly persist until you’ve made a valiant effort and re-opened the lines of communication or, at the very least, been given a symbolic forgiveness peanut.
It’s very likely your victim will not be in a talkative mood. In fact, you’re lucky if he talks at all. Scrambling his brain like you did can have a detrimental effect on even the simplest of tasks.
For this reason, start small to regain his trust. Help him with some of the more menial things like buying his groceries, driving him places and keeping him from drowning in his chicken noodle soup.
You may want to also try something a little more dramatic to win back favor. Chocolates or a fruit basket are nice personal touches and may express the heartfelt appreciation you have that he has retained enough teeth, after the accident, to adequately enjoy your gift.
Be wary, however, in giving the proverbial flowers as an apology. While a beautiful bouquet of aromatic orchids or lilies may spark the odd smile, roses can often have the opposite effect. The last thing an injured person with a jumbled brain and facial scars needs to face is another awful prick. If in doubt, go with the daisies.
Of course, what you say will be just as important as what you do or buy. Lucky for you, greeting card companies have pretty much every possible scenario covered within their enormously wide selection.
Once you have determined the degree of damage you’ve caused, it’s just a simple case of finding the proper card to express those feelings.
If the doctors are still unsure of the severity of his various ailments, simply purchase the Â“No hard feelings about yourÂ…Â” card, check the applicable disorders, then watch him try to pronounce phrases like Â“neurological mayhemÂ” and Â“partial loss of significant bodily functions.Â” Save any laughter you may have till after you leave the room/ward/ICU.
If all else fails you may have to resort to a personal handwritten letter or a prepared speech of some kind. By expressing your sincerity and remorse for your actions, he may finally forgive you for forcing him to eat toast through a straw.
Remember this moment.
Think about what you did. Feel the guilt and regret. Learn to forgive yourself. The quicker you adapt to situations like this the more you’ll grow as a person and the less money you’ll eventually spend on cards, chocolates and flowers over the course of your career.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at [email protected]