The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
The idea was simple: At our annual Holiday family gathering I would ask anyone and everyone that would listen one basic question and document their responses. I would explain nothing and would not qualify or clarify the question in any way. Seemed simple enoughÂ…
What do you think of the NHL this year?
Â“No, seriously dude. Watch when she bends over.Â”
Â“Very nice. Like them a lot. Oh come on, how hard is it to cook a blasted turkey without drying it out? Excuse me dear…Â”
Â“I think it’s great and you’re great, too. Did the sweater I bought fit you? It might be a little big now but you’ll grow into it and I know you just love shirts with elves and pirates on them. Grandma remembers these things.Â”
Â“Too many damn Europeans in the league today! Too many damn American teams, too! Why can’t they have more Canadian teams? You mean to tell me that Atlanta can support a team and Kapuskasing can’t? &%#$ Norman Bettman!”
Â“You’re a boogerface.Â”
Â“You know I never believed you could get $#*&-faced on eggnog alone, but poop, I was wrong. Hey, do you remember back when we were eight and I stuck myÂ…waitÂ…I think I was nineÂ…anyway…where was I? Oh yeah, that story about stealing those wheelbarrowchairs. I love you man!!Â”
Â“Your Grandma thinks I’m taking all these pills, but I flush them down the toilet. I do take the blue ones though. Makes me feel like a young man again. Here, lookÂ…Son, where’d you go?…Â”
Â“I designed a program that has determined that Anaheim and New Jersey will be in the Stanley Cup Final this year. It also says Alexander Ovechkin will finish with 193 points andÂ…this Skeletor tie?? I don’t know, probably bought it onlineÂ…why?Â”
Great Uncle Philip:
Â“Aren’t you a handsome boy. You look a lot like your father you know? I looked a lot like my Dad, too, although I don’t have the Black Lung like he did. Got that in the summer of ’27 when he was mining coal with his brother Abraham somewhere in northern Alberta I believe. We used to have to eat coal to stay warm in the winter you know? Bet you didn’t know that? Didn’t taste too good and it gave you awful mouth ulcers, but it kept you regular. Where are you going?Â”
Â“Frankly, I don’t watch a lot of sports. The Insurance business keeps me really busy. Had the most sales in the central mid-eastern part of the city in June. Going on a trip to Nashville in April. Hoping to see Dollywood. You have insurance right?Â”
Â“Your late Uncle Terrence loved Gordie Howe. I mean, really loved him. It actually ended our marriage.Â”
Â“Put that stupid pad of paper away and help us get Uncle Philip’s pants back on.Â”
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com