At this point things aren’t looking too good for Team Canada.
They get scored on twice by a host team sponsored by Vatican Dry Cleaners.
They lose to the Land That Spawned Ricola.
And get chewed up worse than pickled herring by Team Finland.
Perhaps this is just the same old Canadian drama played out every time their hockey supremacy is on the line but maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the year.
Perhaps the Hockey Gods are legally bound to share the title with the world every ten years or so. Rene Fassel does have those evil eyebrows after all.
If that is the case and Team Canada is headed for imminent failure it’s probably high time to get adequately prepared. After all, there will be questions to be answered and explanations to be provided. Canada just doesn’t lose and when they do there has to be a reason, in fact, ten reasons:
1. Pat Quinn is the coach of Team Canada. Pat Quinn is also the coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs. You do the math.
2. The team really missed older players like Mario and Stevie Y. Not so much for their leadership but for the money. Italy is an expensive country, especially without the seniors’ discount.
3. Two words: Jody Shelley
4. Overwhelming odor of Cheese platters on Swiss bench made it impossible to concentrate.
5. New, tighter uniforms unflatteringly accentuated hip and pectoral regions.
6. Lines and face off circles all written in Italian.
7. Aki Berg was just too much.
8. Couldn’t consistently nail the Triple Axel.
9. Thought when they named three goalies they could play three goalies.
10. Paul DiPietro’s defection really hurt.
Feel free to add to this list as you see fit. Should Canada overcome their obstacles and go on to win gold, these excuses are hereby null and void (although the new jersey can give one an ugly bubble butt).
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org