The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
It’s the final weekend of the season and you’re a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, or a Montreal Canadiens’ fan, or a New York Islanders’ fan, or a Calgary Flames’ fan or a fan of the Colorado Avalanche. These teams, fighting for those last precious playoff spots, resemble gerbils trying to balance on a jellybean.
You watch the out-of-town scoreboard like virgins watch table dancers. You sweat like an accountant at a biker bar. You heart rate is what happens when a machine gun meets crack cocaine. There is no room for error.
How will you survive this weekend? Can you survive this weekend? Well, yes you can. Just follow these 12, potentially life-saving, mantras that should put your mind, body and soul at ease (although I’d advise keeping 911 on speed dial just in case).
Top 12 Keep-Me-Calm-Mantras-for-This-Frenzied-Weekend-Ahead:
12 I am Jaloo, an orphan from a Third World country and I am very photogenic. I see Angelina Jolie approaching quickly. Madonna is right behind her, running.
11 I am a can of shaving cream, aboard an ocean-going vessel, run by Greenpeace.
10 I am a cold person. I abhor public displays of affection. I hate holding hands. My girlfriend is Venus Di Milo.
9 I live in a men’s clothing store. I am a dark blue suit. I have recently fallen in love with a simple grey tie. I cannot live without my simple grey tie. We are both on sale. The store is closing. Don Cherry walks in.
8 I am told I am to be fired at precisely 12 noon on August 1st at a cafÃ© in the British Virgin Islands. My boss is a snowman.
7 I am a traffic cop. I need one more violator to reach my quota. I am watching Stevie Wonder learn to parallel park.
6 I am Kerry Fraser’s head, locked in an airless vacuum. I’m using hairspray, designed by NASA.
5 I am a fragile puck. I bruise very easily. The next time I hit something I may shatter into pieces. I am sliding towards Andrew Raycroft.
4 I am a trivia question about thermo dynamics. There is three seconds on the clock. It is Paris Hilton’s turn.
3 I am a very impressionable, attractive young co-ed, in a bar at 3 a.m. and I’ve had way too much to drink. There’s only one other person left in the room and he is Richard Simmons.
2 I am the hypothetical spawn of Keith Richards and Jim Morrison, and there’s been a really great party.
1 I am Steve Moore and I am a porcupine. Todd Bertuzzi approaches me. He is a balloon.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com