Without a doubt the biggest story in the NHL this week (aside from Kevin Lowe buying that new tie) is the unfortunate and freak accident (reaching for a cotton swab? Really?) suffered by New Jersey’s Martin Brodeur. This injury could leave the goaltending legend out of the Devils lineup for up to four months (or until Marty finds a cadaver to his liking, with awesome guns to steal a spare bicep muscle from).
Naturally, this leads to a lot of speculation as to who will be Brodeur’s replacement. That job/human sacrifice goes to Kevin Weekes, who should fill in well for the all-star (they’re roughly the same size, so clothing, at least, shouldn’t be much of an issue).
Aside from a snug-fitting sweater, the competency of Weekes has yet to be determined. Can he handle the job?
Joining us now to discuss the matter are noted relaxation specialist and yodeller extraordinaire Daht Kahm and professional alarmist Chicken Little.
Loose Change: Gentlemen…
Daht Kahm: It is a great pleasure, beyond mere words, to…
Chicken Little: HEY! HOW ARE YA? IS THAT CEILING TILE IN SECURELY??
LC: So, to get right to it, Daht, do the Devils have anything to worry about?
DK: Devils? I am more a yoga guru. Perhaps you are looking for an exorcist.
CL: THIS IS CRAZY! ARE YOU FREAKING NUTS?? THE MAN’S NAME IS WEEKES, AS IN “WE’RE COUNTING THE WEEKES UNTIL WE GET A REAL GOALIE!”
DK: That is a very, very cruel thing to say, even for poultry.
LC: We’re all missing the point here. The simple question is: Will Kevin Weekes be able to do this job?
DK: You must remember we humans never actually “replace” one another. We are all individual bodies of energy.
CL: HEY BUDDY… NEWSFLASH… THIS GUY’S REPLACING A LEGEND. IT’S LIKE TRYING TO STOP A TANK WITH A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER! HE’LL BE EATEN ALIVE!!
LC: We have to give Weekes his due. By all accounts the Devils organization and every player in it, to a man, believes he can carry the mail.
CL: I’M ALL FOR HIM CARRYING THE MAIL! IT’S THE HOCKEY THING I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH!!
DK: For Mr. Weekes to complete the task, he will need to center his energy and achieve a blissful state of consciousness. He must be at peace. He must be calm.
CL: HE MUST COVER THAT GAPING FIVE-HOLE!!
DK: He must block out all needless distractions…
CL: … LIKE BEING BEHIND 6-1?
DK: He must build his own identity. He must say to himself: I am Kevin Weekes. I am not Martin Brodeur…
CL: OH I THINK PEOPLE WILL FIGURE THAT OUT PRETTY SOON!!
DK: … I need to summon the power and the ability that lies deep within me.
CL: HOPE YOU HAVE A SPARE SHOVEL AND LOTS OF ENERGY!!
DK: I need to envision myself, standing on a mountain top, everything around me is natural and serene. I am at peace.
CL: YEAH, THAT’S IT! GO TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP! FIND SERENITY! BE AT PEACE! HELL, WHY NOT BUY SOME PROPERTY?? JUST NOWHERE NEAR THE PRUDENTIAL CENTER!!
LC: Realistically, do the Devils have a chance with a career journeyman?
DK: It is only in the journey that we discover who we are, for it is the journey which…
CL: LOTS OF LUGGAGE IS A GOOD THING, AS LONG AS HE LINES THE NET WITH IT!!
DK: Begin by chanting Ommmmm…
CL: UMMMMM… I MISSED THAT SHOT! UMMMMM… THAT ONE TOO!!
(Editor’s Note: It was at this point in the discussion that, frankly, all hell broke loose. Most of what’s left on the tape of the interview is garbled and profanity-filled. Basically, things went rather badly from this point on. Punching? Yes, there was some punching. The occasional kick, as well. And to clarify, not all yoga masters are Vegans – at least not anymore.)
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie’s cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
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