The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Looking ahead at the new National Hockey League schedule I’ve noticed some really interesting stuff (like the ink comes off on your hands if you wet your fingers enough). Still, there’s moreÂ…
Oct 4: Carolina vs. Buffalo. Opening night and the traditional battle between last year’s Eastern Conference finalists. The NHL did want it to be a Stanley Cup rematch instead but they couldn’t be sure all the Hurricanes would be sober by then and the Oilers (at press time) had only four players under contract. So, on to Plan B.
Oct 13: Buffalo vs. Detroit. Dominik Hasek faces his old team for the first time. Not his old team but his old, old team. No I don’t mean his original team, I mean the first team he bailed on, I mean, played for. No, not Ottawa, Buffalo. Oh forget it. It doesn’t matter anyway. The Dominator is sidelined Â“4 to 6 weeks with a anterior strain of his boo booÂ”, whatever that means.
Dec 7: Coyotes vs. Blackhawks. To mark the 65th anniversary of Pearl Harbor, there will be a moment of silence to honor the fallen prior to opening puck drop; after each faceoff; before a penalty and following a shot on goal. A paid attendance of 37 allows one a lot of flexibility in this regard.
Dec. 12: Is it just mere coincidence the NHL schedules twelve games to be played on Bob Barker’s birthday? Where’s the love? Where’s the respect? Conveniently there are NO games scheduled July 23, which also happens to be Bert Convy’s birthday. What a joke!
Feb 29: No games scheduled on the 29th again this year. What do they have against that date? What lesson is to be learned by skipping the date every three years only to Â“awardÂ” them every fourth? I’m convinced Colin Campbell’s vigilante justice is at the root of this.
Mar. 27: Kings vs. Sharks: OK, it’s my birthday and we all know gifts are rated strictly on who spends the most money. Tickets (and air fare) to this particular game would mean someone really loves me and would instantly move past Uncle Stan on the love list. You snooze, you lose, Stan old boy.
April 1: Oilers vs. Blackhawks. Ha ha, very funny. Schedule a Â“gameÂ”. Print up some bogus tickets. Actually expect people to show up in Chicago to Â“seeÂ” the Hawks host the Oilers, like there’d be a reason to be there for either of these two in April. All right, you got me. Good one.
Apr 8: There are four games scheduled on this Sunday but, get this, there’s nothing scheduled beyond that. No games Monday or Tuesday or even Wednesday. Like The X-Files, the damn thing just ends like that. It just evaporates like the sweat on Kirstie Alley’s ankles. Would somebody please care to explain this phenomenon? Who writes this stuff?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday during the season and every Tuesday during the summer only on thehockeynews.com.