The Loose Change mailbox is again bursting at its seams. Everyone wants an expert opinion on hockey-related matters and, since I’m the only one who can’t afford a good spam filter, guess who’s answering your calls?
Here now, in no particular order (other than their natural order in the periodic table), are your questions:
Q: There have been claims of Montreal fans stuffing the ballot box to get more Canadiens into the lineup for the All-Star Game. Do you think there’s any validity to this?
A: None at all. Yvon Lambert has earned the right to be the starting left winger for the Eastern Conference.
Q: Who won the Philippe Boucher-Darryl Sydor trade?
Q: The NHL recently sent a strongly-worded memo to the players warning them about any unnecessary blows to the head. Will this have any impact?
A: Absolutely. Word has it the league already has another terse memo at the ready, should someone violate the spirit of this warning, only the next time “with nasty pictures and stuff.” After that it’s the old stink eye.
Q: Barry Melrose has been fired as coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning after only 144 days. Shocked?
A: Not shocked, but disappointed. I had 12 days in the office pool.
Q: Do you like the idea of the Toronto Maple Leafs doing the obvious and signing Brian Burke as their next president and GM?
A: Hiring Burke would bring a sense of family and completeness to the Leafs organization. Adding Grumpy to a payroll that already boasts Happy (Ron Wilson) and Dopey (Richard Peddie) means they’re just four dwarves short from completing the entire set.
Q: The St. Louis Blues just lost center Andy McDonald to a “fractured leg.” Any idea what the specifics of the injury are?
A: None at all. And it’s very important that I find out. There’s this Old McDonald had a femur joke I’ve been dying to use…
Q: The Ottawa Senators are in last place in the Eastern Conference! How can a Sens fan cope with this kind of trauma?
A: Well, if you think of it in 2006 terms yes, this is indeed an extremely disappointing turn of events, but in 1996 terms: WELCOME BACK!
Q: My name is Fayez Akwar Juslan and war has hit my tiny country of Balzabar. I must flee my land for fear of my life but, before I do, I need to disperse my family’s vast fortune of 1700 Dumars (equivalent to $345 million of your dollars. I can only make this transfer to someone I trust and I have chosen you). Rest assured kind sir, you will be handsomely compensated for your trouble. By assisting this member of the royal family you will receive $12 million tax-free. But to complete this I need to have your full name and the number to your primary bank account. Please, will you help me? My life depends on it.
A: Uh yeah, sure, Fayez. My name is Adam Proteau and my bank account number is 34-498843…
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie’s cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
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