Puzzled by the latest hullabaloo over head shots or hits to the head or, as we used to call them in my day, a good old crushed larynx?
All that feel-good warmth left over from the Olympics (Uta, you Bulgarian fox, I’ll never forget ya) has pretty much wafted away and the NHL is left to pick up the pieces (to start, there’s Marc Savard’s ear) to make some sense from this.
Well, why wait for them? NHL logic can only be understood by Tibetan monks, men who like Susan Boyle and men who look like Susan Boyle – and that’s a mighty sparse crowd.
Just take my advice and take this quiz to determine your awareness of the present malaise befalling the NHL (yes I said malaise; goes great with pastrami). It’s not based on any particular science unless you consider creative writing a science, in which case you have both my unyielding admiration and my pity. I like your conviction, but, alas, that still makes you an idiot.
At least you can still read, so read on, Young Jedi. Answers on Page 92 of Where’s Waldo: The Antarctic Edition. Best score wins The Susan Boyle Swimsuit Calendar.
1. NHL suspensions are determined by:
(a) Colin Campbell
(b) Two darts
(c) A blindfold
(d) A board
(e) All of the above
2. The average discipline for a hit-to-the-head violation this year is:
(a) One game
(b) Two Games
(c) Five games
(d) The Old Stink Eye
3. Scientific studies have shown that repeated hits to the head can cause:
(a) Grown men to act like inebriated hamsters
(b) Loud-mouthed ex-coaches to become cultural icons
(c) A sport to lag badly behind bowling
(d) A lot fewer people to become scientists
4. NHL studies have shown that repeated hits to the head can cause:
(a) Excessive media whining
(b) Excessive scientific studies to become public
(c) A notable increase in U.S. viewership (1975 study)
(d) Colin Campbell to be late hitting the links
5. NHLPA studies have shown that repeated hits to the head can cause:
(a) Eric Lindros to tell the same joke eight times at the Christmas Party
(b) Eric Lindros to tell the same joke eight times at the Christmas Party
(c) Eric Lindros to tell the same joke eight times at the Christmas Party
(d) Some of the afflicted to annoyingly repeat themselves
6. The NHL GMs were so concerned about this head shot epidemic they:
Cancelled the back nine at Boca Raton Golf & Country Club
Debated it for almost nine minutes
Had Sally the receptionist draw up something to send to the press
(d) Enacted a new rule, mid-season!
7. Matt Cooke wasn’t suspended for his hit on Marc Savard because:
(a) The game wasn’t televised
(b) Even though the game was televised there was no actual video evidence of the incident
(c) The video evidence of the incident was shaky and out of focus
(d) The NHL owns the rights to the footage and wouldn’t release it for disciplinary review
8. The main lesson Alex Ovechkin learned from his most recent suspension was:
(a) Only minor hockey-leaguers wear the “stop” signs on their backs
(b) One of the L’s in “Campbell” is silent
(c) Colin Campbell and Brian Campbell are not related
(d) Early showers mean more time for leave-in conditioner
9. The record for shots to the head in one year is held by:
(a) Donald Brashear
(b) Jarkko Ruutu
(c) Bill Barber
(d) Al Capone
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre cartoon, brings you the humor column Loose Change every Tuesday. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie’s cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Check out his website at charlieteljeur.com.
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