The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
The big guy’s been around since he was a little guy, one hundred and thirteen years to be exact, and he’s holding up well.
Loose Change recently had the chance to sit down with the most famous trophy in professional sports (aside from Fred The Super Bowl Statue) .
Loose Change: So it’s that time of year again.
Stanley Cup: Yeah, you can tell the taxman to kiss myÂ…
LC: I meant that it’s your time to shine.
SC: Right. The spotlight’s nice, but I could without the sandblasting preparation. It chafes my undercarriage.
LC: What was Lord Stanley like?
SC: Aside from being a world-class statesman, he was one hell of a ping-pong player.
LC: Do you remember that very first year?
SC: Oh yes. It was quite an exciting time. I was fresh out of college, trying to impress the boss. Back then I made only seventeen pennies a week.
LC: A silver mug paid in copper? That almost sounds scandalous.
SC: My wife often complained about me coming home smelling like copper. She thought I had some Missy on the side.
LC: Montreal AAA was the first champion. What were they like?
SC: You have to remember I was fresh off the boat from England and couldn’t speak a word of French. Luckily, we all shared a common language.
LC: Over the years you seem to have a grand history of being in water: The St. Lawrence River, Rideau Canal, Patrick Roy’s pool. How was that?
SC: Ending up on the bottom of the St. Lawrence was the only unplanned one of the bunch. I grew to love the water so much I ended up getting a Class 3 Scuba license. It’s made the trips to Barbados so much more enjoyable.
LC: You’ve also ended up at the odd strip joint as well.
SC: What happens with the Cup, stays with Cup, although I must say the Beach Boys really highly underrated Midwest farmers’ daughters.
LC: You’ve also seen a lot of countries in your travels.
SC: Yes, the diversity of the National Hockey League has allowed me to see a huge variety of nations. I got the chance to go to Canada last year. Beautiful country.
LC: What is one thing nobody knows about you, the Stanley Cup?
SC: I’m quite proficient at yoga.
LC: And what’s one misconception people have about you?
SC: That I don’t cry. If I get another small child in a Maple Leafs’ sweater begging me to come back to Toronto I might have to commit suicide (Editor’s Note: A trophy taking his own life is called Â“MetallurgicideÂ”)
LC: You have quite the life living on a pedestal at The Hockey Hall of Fame. Any exciting stories from there?
SC: I think I’ve been poked by more fingers than The Pillsbury Dough Boy.
LC: Who’s your best friend?
SC: People naturally think The Stanley Cup would hang with other trophies but, to be honest, I think most of them are jerks. Â“I’m the freaking Hart Trophy. Bow in my presence.Â” I mean, come on.
LC: So obviously you don’t chum around with other trophies we can assume..
SC: Most of my free time is spent with other hockey people although I must admit I consider Gordon Lightfoot one of my Â“homiesÂ”.
LC: Is there a significant other in your life?
SC: I used to be pretty serious about somebody about a year ago but we agreed it would be best to see other furniture.
LC: Lastly, any predictions on where you might end up this year?
SC: I try not to think too much about it and end up disappointed. As long as a team fully exemplifies what it takes to become a Stanley Cup champion, I’m adaptable.
LC: And they have lots of gin.
SC: You go girl.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at [email protected]