The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
So Ryan Smyth has been traded. Big deal.
Yes, he’s been in Edmonton, like, forever, and yes he’s probably the only thing the Oilers had keeping them out Tier II Junior. And yes he’s also very talented and yes he’s pretty much died for that team a couple of dozen times, but Ryan, did you have to cry like a West Side Story extra at the Tony Awards? I mean, we haven’t seen that much bawling since Colin Farrell got drunk at The People’s Choice Awards.
Still, Ryan, you have to look at this move positively. For starters you’ve gone from a team 10 points out of a playoff spot to a team 10 games from squandering away one. Remember, winning breeds optimists and optimists breed Cocker Spaniels (good money in it, apparently). This is an entirely new challenge for you; the chance to help a fledgling, small market, youthful squad with a rich hockey tradition, develop into a veteran team, able to take on some of the bigger clubs in theÂ…well there’s always those Ice Girls.
Top 12 benefits of Ryan Smyth moving to Long Island
12 gets to see a Subway that doesn’t serve sandwiches
11 can finally rid his clothes of that awful refinery odor
10 increased chance of being offered that desired 47-year contract
9 can finally use those Buttafuoco Museum coupons
8 fewer clean-air headaches
7 can now drive minivan without fear of ridicule
6 likes people’s reaction when he says, Â“I play with SatanÂ”
5 decreased personal pressure in open, empty seat concept
4 fewer polar bears backing up traffic on way into work
3 Oilers’ ownership consists of 37 different personalities; Charles Wang has twelve
2 more courses equals shorter line-ups for tee-off times
1 Finally, a decent selection of hair care products
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
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