The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Predictably and sadly, little has surprised us in this spring’s NHL playoffs.
Looking at the Final Four, few would be shocked with who’s left. Yes, there’s those teams that were supposed to have tanked and didn’t, but that can’t really be written off as a Â“surprise.Â”
Here’s hoping the next two rounds provide a little more drama than the first two.
Top 12 Late Playoff Surprises I’m Hoping For:
12 Lindy Ruff vows not to swear for the rest of playoffs. Lindsay Lohan is inaugurated as President of the United States. Jamaican Embassy burns down. Is there a connection? Details at 11.
11 An overwhelming crusade by PETA supporters ends the Detroit tradition of throwing octopi onto the ice after a goal. Strangely a new one Â– throwing PETA members from the rafters Â– begins.
10 Envious of the Ducks’ success, Disney tries to buy back the team. Pluto, Tinker Bell and a seventh rounder are offered as incentive. New ownership holds out for Stitch but is rejected. Mickey is forced to watch the finals on cable.
9 Scott Niedermayer’s playoff beard becomes so thick it’s declared a rainforest.
8 NBC playoff hockey surpasses the NBA in the TV ratings (I meant the Nigerian Badminton Association)
7 Brian McGrattan and Andrew Peters take to the playoff ice, on the same shift. Planets collide. Glaciers melt.
6 A playoff game in the finals goes 13 overtime periods. The winning goal is scored by a guy who looks like Keith Richards. Frankly, at this point, everyone looks like Keith Richards.
5 After another Red Wings Stanley Cup, The Original Six is split into We’re Still Competitive and Irrelevant Five.
4 Alexandre Daigle gives an inspirational speech to the Senators before a crucial Game 6, from his post on the third level, where he sells nachos.
3 NHL accountants re-check books and determine Buffalo has violated the salary cap. The top two lines are sent to Columbus as punishment. The Islanders hereby win the first round, four games to none.
2 Patrick Marleau finally scores Â– even if it is at Hooters.
1 Don Cherry is wrongly beaten up outside a New York TV studio by Sesame Street supporters who thought he skinned Snuffleupagus to make a suit.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com