The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
So you’re a General Manager in the NHL and you’ve just learned that Philadelphia’s Peter Forsberg may be available. You’d really like to add him to your lineup in much the same way as a fat kid would really like that last slice of pie, but you aren’t sure if your team has what it takes to entice Peter into committing to you.
Truth be told, trying to win over a player like Peter Forsberg is a lot like trying to win over the heart of a really hot date. Incredibly, the same rules apply. If you can play it cool in both instances, you may end this worthwhile endeavor with a really big goofy grin on your face, although you will likely be a lot poorer and her dad may ultimately end up hunting you down with some sort of loaded weapon. But stillÂ…
Dating Rule #1: Get Her Flowers. In this instance flowers doesn’t actually mean flowers, more likely just making a thoughtful gesture to show your sincerity and how much you pay attention. For someone like Peter Forsberg, with a history of foot trouble, maybe a nice pair of Birkenstocks? Nothing says you care like butchy footwear. Then again, if the man’s had to wear yellow jerseys as much as he has, he might actually have a thing for bright flowers. To be safe, go with some nice daisies as well.
Rule #2: Romance Her. This just expands a little more on the thinking behind Rule #1. If you were Peter Forsberg, what would you want? A chance to play on a contender again? Some industrial strength razors? Elin Nordgren? Find out what makes your date tick and help wind that clock.
Rule #3: Compliment Her Appearance. Women and high-end hockey talent are both incredibly vain. It’s nice to find something nice about them physically and compliment them accordingly. Hair, facial tone, muscle structure and svelte physique comments are strongly encouraged. Avoid anything to do with saggy hips, missing fingers and ghastly scars. Women love it when we notice their mouth guards.
Rule #4 Wow Her Mom, Too. I guess, in this case you could try to actually impress Peter Forsberg’s Mom, but that may require a passport, a Swedish dictionary and a boatload of herring. We’re thinking, in this case, you need to make your mark with Philadelphia ownership by sending complimentary spirits, theater tickets or perhaps some stylish lingerie. Ed Snider may appear to be a really crusty individual at times, but one who would also know the intrinsic value of wearing an elegant bustier.
Rule #5: Don’t Say Anything Stupid. Closing the deal is largely dependent on your capacity to not say the wrong thing. One misplaced word or phrase will have the rabbit scurrying back into his hole, the hottie heading back to the dorm or Foppa go back to wherever Foppas live. Don’t mention anything about your inability to pay the bills, the high murder rate in your upper deck seating or your lack of Stanley Cup success. Toronto, just keep your mouth shut and the wine flowing.
Rule #6: Write Her a Poem. Chicks dig Lit. Spelling out your feelings in a tidy display of words is virtually irresistible to most emotional females and bearded Swedes. It’s says so much by saying very little. If successful, you may be sharing an very intimate embrace with a blonde, or a brunette or a 115-year-old trophy (go with the blonde for a better chance at success). Try something like:
You have within you
which transcends beauty,
Like beautiful poison,
Infecting us all
Do you mind double-shifting?
Oh, and don’t forget to floss.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com