The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Mike Vernon is having his number retired. Mark Messier is having his number retired. Brett Hull just had his number retired. Frankly I’m a little concerned. Does anyone else not see the slippery slope we’re on here? There is a seemingly endless string of players, yet there is a finite number of numbers available to those players. The more numbers we retire, the fewer numbers there are available to future generations.
Take the Boston Bruins: They have, from what my shoddy research says, only one single-digit number (6) that hasn’t been retired. Basically that means it’s all double digits and beyond from here on. Everyone’s so worried about global warming and resource depletion, but who’s looking after this?
I can already imagine the scenario now: It’s 2087, two cyberhockey fans are chatting at a Starbucks Â– everything is Starbucks in ’87.
Fan 1: Hey, The Vermiculites (new team) are retiring another number.
Fan 2: Really? Who is it this time?
Fan 1: Bernie Goring-Hedberg.
Fan 2: Old 9A? Good for him.
Think about it.
…and now your listÂ…
Top 12 Suggestions at NHL Board Of Governors Meetings:
12 Terminate shootout. Institute thumb wrestling.
11 Replace the term Unbalanced Schedule with proper Imbalanced Schedule. Reject it as well.
10 Change playoff format to NCAA style. Import cheerleaders.
9 Retire Mike Milbury’s cell phone.
8 Trim Brian Burke’s hair. Donate excess to Lou Lamoriello.
7 Three points to be awarded if a guy named Zybnek or Miikka scores in OT.
6 Zamboni Demolition Derby between second and third periods.
5 Fighting Majors now five minutes plus rehabilitative essay.
4 Visors mandatory. Wipers optional.
3 Thirty man committee to gauge viability of franchises in Oahu, Aruba, Tahiti.
2 Mandate Commissioner to grow cool mustache (def. 17-13).
1 More Tequila.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
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