Prognostication is both a seriously temperamental business and a terribly painful anal ailment. Incredibly, I have vast experience in dealing with both, but for now, we’ll just deal with the former (I’ll tell you about Dr. McGillicuddy’s Fantasmic Vanilla Balm another day).
I have been predicting things since I first blindfolded my sister and witnessed her hurtle forward into a gravel pit (I foresaw that one). Over the years I have had some hits (Bob Denver winning the Nobel Prize) and some misses (I picked Seabiscuit to place in the movie), but I can proudly say that, after twenty years, I only bet on the Washington Generals once.
The NHL’s Trade Deadline is the perfect opportunity to showcase my immense talent in this ancient art. But first, the Disclaimer:
The Opinions expressed in the following are those of the creator and in no way reflect those of The Hockey News, Better Homes and Gardens and Court TV. The information provided is for entertainment purposes only and, in no way, represents actual factual claims unless, of course, one of these puppies happen to come true, in which case we all lay proprietary claims on anything and everything he says in perpetuity and threaten to sue any heathen who tries to test us on this.
So, without further adoÂ…
The trading frenzy will begin slowly. I see a fifth line defender being exchanged for a draft pick and a prospect everyone thought was still in jail. It will involve one team already out of the playoffs and another who just can’t bring themselves to admit they’re out too.
An anonymous tipster will bombard the networks with news that Todd Bertuzzi is set to be traded to a team with loads of room under the salary cap. Pat Morris will learn about the wonderful technology behind IdentiCall.
A previously unknown news source will break the biggest scoop of the day. All the major outlets will pick up the story and will scoff at its validity but will discuss it for over an hour afterwards. Three hours later the trade will happen exactly as first reported. weloveponies.com gains instant credibility within the hockey world.
The words Â“TSN has learned…Â” will be uttered on-air three hundred and forty seven times by noon Thursday. The words Â“Sportsnet has learned…Â” will be heard over nine hundred times. A puppy’s ear will bleed uncontrollably.
I see Mike Milbury coping admirably with not being involved in Trade Deadline Day. He will go sailfishing, visit a museum and spend over $96,000 on EBay.
An Internet source that claims to have nailed a trade scoop six years ago will again claim to have broken another blockbuster, this time involving Sven Butenschon , Kyle Wanvig and the Midwestern advertising rights to Spongebob Squarepants. The source will be hailed as The Trade King across the web, but will still be unable to get a date from anything not ending in the word Â“borgÂ”.
I see a team insider who will claim to have information on a big trade brewing from Â“a good sourceÂ”. Upon further investigation, the source will be revealed to haven given birth to the insider.
A frenzy of 32 network cameramen will park outside of John Ferguson’s office where he will announce that the team has extended the contracts of Andy Wozniewski and Carlton the Bear.
A player will be relieved to learn that he’s been traded away by Chicago. A player will be shocked to learn that he’s been traded to St. Louis. A player will attempt to exit a St. Louis-bound plane somewhere in the air over Chicago.
College students, Canada-wide, will participate in a drinking game that requires each participant to chug a beer whenever the phrase Â“key acquisitionÂ” or Â“happy to be hereÂ” is heard. Friday’s classes will be cancelled.
Alexandre Daigle will find a new home before the day is through. Daigle will be happy to have found new surroundings to continue his journey. The YMCA will be happy the janitor’s position is finally filled.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com