Loose Change: The Post Game Press Conference

Putting together a compelling post-game press conference is a lot like putting together a great recipe.

We start with:

– One large room;
– 17 burn-my-iris-till-it-smokes floodlights;
– One extra long buffet table (remove Have a Happy Life Bob & Sue sign);
– A smattering of cameras;
– Four guys from previous century with notepads;
РOne over-sized background fa̤ade (logos must be visible from Space Shuttle);
– Some people to man the cameras;
– Some coaches and athletes to field the questions and look pretty.

In prep stage, all media to be dressed inappropriately, unseasonably or in total oblivious violations to all known fashion rules or examples of good judgment. Filter out any with excessive aromas of Old Spice, moth balls or salmon. Pack tightly.

To add further flavor, allow players to soak in their own juices. Initiate venting and all air circulation units.

1. Add coach. If coach is snarly, pepper with inane questions. If he remains tough, tenderize with concerned question about ailing father. Once softened, continue peppering. Do not let simmer.
2. Add player who is exasperated over team’s predicament. Poke with stick.
3. Add player with nasty scowl, sporting grand scars. Warning: Beware of flare-ups. Step back. Reduce heat. Check that insurance coverage is current.
4. Add player who would rather be surfing. Attempt to flavor. Ask if he may know why he was in press box tonight. Check out hot girlfriend. Discard if tasteless.
5. Add team captain. Spice with redundant nonsensical questions. Grill continually. Flip. Spice with redundant nonsensical questions (in French). Flip. Spice with redundant nonsensical questions (in Swedish). Repeat ’till limp.
6. Add team goat. Pepper ’till flare up occurs or until juice seeps from eyes. Reduce to simmer.

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Stuff with beefcake. Garnish with hyperbole. Spice with fiction, to taste. Serves thousands.