The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Oh, Alex Ovechkin, you’ve set us up on such a slippery slope. You’ve hired Mama Ovechkin as your Super Agent and left Don Meehan a sorry, sobbing pile of goo. The man’s so distraught he’s contemplating representing Aki Berg.
It’s not that your Mom isn’t a nice person or a qualified agent (who can argue with a DeVry grad), but having someone’s mother occupy this prominent a position is like sending Carrot Top to work a birthday party. People are not going to be happy.
The National Hockey League is an old boys club. They don’t adapt well to change. If they did, Bill Wirtz wouldn’t still dress in spats. They like their players male and their agents ruthless. Imagine the first time Mom goes in to renegotiate Alex’s contract with Capitals’ owner Ted Leonsis:
Ted: We think the contract we’re offering Alex is very fair.
Ted: No really. These are good numbers.
Mom: (another pause, disgusted look)
Mom: You think I was born yesterday? You think I don’t know about those magazines under your bed?
That night, Ovechkin signs for $187 million over five years.
And success begets success. If Mrs. Ovechkin can do it, how long will it be before we see Mrs. Staal and Mrs. Crosby and Mrs. Frolov? Contracts will now include the ubiquitous Clean Up Your Room Clause, the Take Out the Garbage Clause and the Don’t Hit Your Sister Clause. Players will be paid in dollars, investment equity and Hummel figurines.
Naturally, if women prove successful as agents how long will it be before they infiltrate other male bastions of professional hockey?
Coach Mom: Â“Yes, you did make that poor boy bleed. Go over and apologize to him this instant.Â”
Trainer Mom: Â“You can do your own damned laundry young man.Â”
Zamboni Mom: Â“Do you have something in sub-compact?Â”
Travel Secretary Mom: Â“Where are all the nice girls on these road rips?Â”
Referee Mom: Â“I think we need to talk about why you two think punching each other like this will solve this disagreement.Â”
Commissioner Mom: Â“If you knew it was going to go into a fourth overtime would it have killed you to call?Â”
The possibilities and ramifications are seemingly endless and frankly, scary. Who knows where this will all end and all lead to? All we know is that the threat is real and the fear is palpable. What starts out as your mother innocently reaming an owner for his last penny could lead to the very shaking of hockey’s enduring foundations (Â“trust me honey, you look very handsome in pleatsÂ”)
Alex, I sure hope you know what you’re doing.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org