The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
So you’re bored, with a little time to kill before your next scheduled game. It’d be a good idea to pick something as far removed from hockey as possible to take your mind off what you’re about to embark on. Choosing something terribly distracting is the key. HmmmÂ… what to do, what to doÂ…
1. Fishing: Ahhh…just you and nature. Sit back spin your reel and wait for the big one to arrive. Got a bite? The key to controlling him is to hook him. I mean, keeping him on the line. Or just get the net. Cripes. Bad start. Head to shore.
2. Sudoku: Word has it this is some unique Japanese numbers gameÂ…whoopsÂ…Â”numbers gameÂ”Â…bad karma here. And doesn’t Sudoku play for the Ducks?
3. Gardening: What better way to relax than by spending time immersed in nature’s organic splendor, giving life to new foliageÂ…wait…a weed screening my hydrangea’s view of the sun! He can’t do his job unless he can see what’s in front of him! Clear him out! Clear him out!
4. Anagrams: This should work. It’s designed for lateral thinking. HmmmÂ…Michael PecaÂ… HE I LACE CAMPÂ…umÂ… PLACE HAM ICE..I mean, CHAMP ALE ICEÂ… eeeek!
5. Play an instrument: The sound of a piano is so soothing. I feel like Elton John. Those little black and white keys are so cute. They look like little salt and pepper shakers or midgets dressed in tuxes. Or little freakin’ referees. Forty-four pairs of grubby annoying little referees. Take that Koharski! Man, I hate the piano.
6. Walk the dog: You and Mitch are kindred spirits. He’s always been there for you and you’ve been there for him. It’s amazing how two vastly different species can build so strong a bond. You like chewing on things. He likes chewing on things. You like swimming. He likes swimming. You have a shaggy playoff beard. HeÂ…oh crap.
7. Yoga: Finally. This stuff was made for cerebral escape. Assume the pretzel position. Pull your leg behind your kidney. Breathe deeply. Relax. Ooohhhmmm. Ooohhhmmm. Na Na Na. Ooohhhmmm. Na Na Na Na. Ooohhmmm. Hey Hey. GoodbyeÂ…Whoops.
8. Home Improvement: Face it. You’re a big strong strapping individual and you need a release that expends that built up testosterone. You want a man’s hobby. You need to pound a couple of nails and cut up something. You need big noises and things that vibrate and hum. Don’t worry about that stuff flying off the circular saw. A little wood chip in the eye socket is all part of the appeal. Oops, a severed finger. No big deal. Stitch me up! The third shelf’s just started!
9. Bird Watching: Birds are such gentle creatures. You have to love their beauty and grace. And that haunting song. It’s kind of a little chirp with the occasional high-pitched whistle. Whistle? What the hell for? I hardly touched him!
10. Needlepoint/MacramÃ©/Crochet/Quilting: This group of octogenarian babes is a feisty crew. The one with the excessive chin hair kind of reminds me of Nana. It’s nice we can all share a project like this. We each have our own piece and we each respect the other’s spaceÂ…Whoa. An elbow to the head from Gerta. Well then, take that. How’s that artificial hip feel now, missy? A punch to the gut from Gerta’s wingmate Audrey. Nice technique. I think Mabel may have drawn blood with that cross-check, I mean, cross-stitch. Wow. Finally, my kind of people.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at [email protected]