Dear Mr. Burke (may I call you Brian?),
It saddens me that it has come to this. I’d really like to stay here in Toronto, but I can understand that you’re trying to rebuild and I suppose it’s a smart move to trade me away in an attempt to upgrade the team’s talent level. Hey, maybe you can get a relatively inexpensive veteran puck-moving defenseman in return (LOL!).
Anyway, on to the nitty gritty (I have no idea what that means). By what I’ve heard, you want me to make a list of 10 teams I’d be willing to move to, which is actually a lot harder than it sounds. I have so many questions to answer before I decide (by the way, should I type this out or would hand-written seem more authentic?).
Do you want it in ascending or descending order? Ascending order kind of adds drama to the whole process, don’t you think? Even you would be eager to know who I picked at No. 1 as you work your way through the list. It’d kind of be like listening to that Top 40 radio countdown (although you’d be reading, which is still sort of dramatic).
Then again, I could just devise a point system going from 10 to one. My top pick would be 10 points and my bottom pick would be one point. I’m not sure if there’s any benefit to it, but, when you talk to the other teams, you could use that as an example of my creativity.
If I include the Leafs in the list does that count as one of the 10? I don’t think it should, but, if it does, then technically I’m choosing 11 teams, which is kind of like having a bonus spin on The Price is Right. Do you watch the The Price is Right? I like to, but it’s usually on during the morning skate and I don’t have a TiVo, which is pretty weird since it’s not really a question of money considering I can afford the $600 or so that it costs.
Hmm…thinking about The Price is Right, maybe Los Angeles would be a great place to put on this list. They’re struggling as much as the Leafs are, but living in California beats wearing three layers of thermal underwear during my morning jog/coffee run.
What if I can only come up with four teams? Does that mean the other six are wild cards and free for you to use as you please? I guess I always have my no-trade clause to fall back on, so I shouldn’t worry about you trying to move me somewhere I don’t want to go, should I? If that’s the case there’s really no reason for you to come up with an arbitrary number like 10 is there? You just propose a trade and I’ll tell you if it works for me, unless you’re just being lazy or too cheap to pay for the phone calls. In that case it’d probably be better if I did move on because I think a team should at least be able to afford its own phone bill.
I’m thinking I might put Carolina on the list, which would allow me to play with my brother, though I do look terrible in red, so maybe not. And if I look terrible in red (which I do, Mom says I look like a junkie – whatever that is) then I guess I should also knock Calgary, New Jersey, Detroit, Washington, Montreal and Chicago off the list as well, unless there’s a way I could only play the away games and wear the whites or blacks. That would certainly prolong my career, but I’m thinking they might not like that sort of arrangement. OK, put those seven teams down in the ‘maybe’ column.
One place I don’t want to go is San Jose. They’re a good team and all, but, to be honest, I’m scared of sharks. I know, I know, it’s irrational, but don’t blame me for a childhood affliction. Blame Steven Spielberg (I can’t even eat tuna anymore).
P.S. I’ll have the list to you shortly. There are a couple of places I’d like to go, but I need to learn to spell them correctly before I give you this list and look really stupid.
P.P.S. And I’m also going to try this red experiment again. Fingers crossed.
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie’s cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
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