Olaf Kolzig isn’t fooling anyone. He may have loads of hockey talent but I’m not convinced he’s actually meant to play professional hockey.
It’s just not a hockey name like Bobby Orr or Gordie Howe. When I hear the name Olaf Kolzig I don’t think Washington Capitals goaltender, I see Bavarian Polka King.
Hey did you hear the latest Olaf Kolzig album? It’ll blow the strudel off your knackwurst.
And he’s not alone.
Fedor Tyutin? Only the most popular child entertainer in Denmark today.
Boys and girls, clap your hands and make happy for Fedor Tyutin and his Big Train of Merriment (beep beep).
And there’s more.
Â“Reporting live from downtown Baghdad, this is Martin Erat, CNN.Â”
They might play hockey but they don’t say hockey. The names all sound like they’re meant for a different calling.
Â“The MGM Grand is happy to present Jason LaBarbera and his man-eating wild Tigers!Â”
Â“Justine, this Spring, Paris is just giddy over the re-birth of pleated skirts and animal prints brought to you by the one and only eccentric French designer, Sebastien Caron.Â”
Don’t those names just fit those occupations a little better? Hockey names are supposed to be succinct and to-the-point. Nothing extraneous or distracting. Today’s names lack that old natural zing.
Dick Tarnstrom? When they decided to make a Swedish version of The Family Feud who do you think they cast as the Scandinavian Richard Dawson?
George Parros? Wasn’t he one of the first people Donald Trump fired on last season’s Apprentice?
And I could have sworn I saw Frying with Chef Philippe Boucher on the Food Network the other day.
As hard as you try, some names are just more convincing in realms other than hockey.
Â“Tonight’s broadcast is brought to you by Shea-Weber. When you need fast, affordable and effective legal representationÂ…think Shea-Weber.Â”
And some are almost impossible to decipher from each other.
Was it Cody McCormick on the O.C. and Ryan Whitney on Joan of Arcadia or the other way around?
Boyd Gordon had a very successful run at Daytona last year but R.J. Umberger crashed on the eighth lap.
And, to clear things up, Anton Volchenkov is the piano virtuoso, Christoph Schubert plays the cello.
Where are all the hockey names? Does anybody sound like a hockey player anymore?
Darcy Tucker? I believe he preceded Michael Flatley in Riverdance.
Brendan Shanahan? No, I remember now. He preceded Flatley before it went all Hollywood.
Sidney Crosby? Nikolai Zherdev? A slapstick comedian who works the Hamptons and a three-time world chess champion, as far as I know.
All this confusion can give a guy a real nasty migraine.
Maybe I should pay a visit to Joel Kwiatkowski. I hear he’s quite the neurosurgeon.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN’s hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org