Screen Shots: How well do you know the New NHL?

With the Stanley Cup playoffs winding down, we’re sure you’re asking yourself two questions: (1) “Hey, is it me, or has Mariah Carey been secretly kidnapped and replaced by a female impersonator?” and (2) “Hey, exactly how closely have I been following the NHL this year?”

Only one person – or two! – can answer the first
question, but you can answer the second one for yourself by taking Screen Shots’ patented year-end quiz.

1. Lightning coach John Tortorella’s preferred curse word in ’05-06 was:

a) #$!*
b) @%&^***
c) !#*#*^$$@%
d) Goalies

2. The Chicago Blackhawks capped off another appalling campaign by “parting ways” with much-loved, 25-year TV/Radio play-by-play veteran Pat Foley. To top themselves next year, Hawks brass plan to:

(a) Force Chicago legend Stan Mikita to smoke an exploding cigar at center ice on opening night
(b) Not replace Foley at all, cancel all remaining broadcast commitments, and begin branding themselves for future generations as a Blair Witch-like legend whose existence can be neither confirmed nor denied
(c) Store Bob Pulford’s DNA in deep-freeze, so the team has a backup GM for at least the next century
(d) Find any and all messengers bearing news of team’s dismal play, shoot on sight

3. The final four franchises in this season’s playoffs all were small-market teams, triggering a heated outburst from _____________, who said, “__________________.”

(a) Glen Sather; “If only the Rangers were allowed to spend judiciously like Edmonton, Buffalo, Carolina and Anaheim did, we’d be the ones competing for a Cup.”
(b) Former NHLPA boss Bob Goodenow; “See, Saskin, I told you my system would work better than Bettman’s! What do you mean you’re not Saskin, and they’re not playing under my system? Where am I?”
(c) Ottawa Senators fans; “This smacks of an inside job by the Toronto Maple Leafs to deny us of our destiny yet again. Damn you, John Ferguson!”
(d) Everybody who doesn’t live in a big-market NHL city; “It’s about time!”

4. True or False: The real problem with the Maple Leafs lies in its majority owners (the faceless money machine that is the Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan), and if Toronto fans want real change, they should instruct each of their children to harass their teacher until they agree to sell off their stake in the franchise.

(a) True
(b) True
(c) True
(d) All Of The Above

5. The best of the NHL’s many changes this year is:

(a) New stipulation outlawing attempts to reverse male pattern baldness
(b) Warning the Minnesota Wild that, with sellout crowds night after night, they’d better start spending money on players who can score or else people are going to start noticing
(c) The DaVinci Code-like adventure hockey fans must embark on to navigate their way through the pitfalls and perils of Center Ice/OLN blackouts
(d) As a member of The Society For The Encouragement Of More Goalie Padding, Sloth and Wanton Violence In The NHL, I’m going to go with “none of the above” on this one

READ ALSO: Blog: Buffalo road trip

6. The NHL sent the Stanley Cup to appear on a popular American soap opera as part of its effort to build the league’s pop culture profile. However, they would have garnered better publicity for the Cup by:

(a) Landing it a three-episode arc on “The Surreal Life”, where Sherman “George Jefferson” Hemsley could’ve done the world a favor and beaten Tawny “Tart From Those Old Whitesnake Videos” Kitaen senseless with it
(b) Dropping it from the Empire State Building onto the unprotected crotch of Steve-O from “Jackass”, thereby winning over both the much-sought-after MTV crowd, as well as supporters of targeted involuntary sterilization
(c) Paying Pamela Anderson to do her giggle-and-jiggle routine beside it for 10 minutes
(d) Six Words And An Extra-Long Hyphen: “Deal Or No Deal – Or Stanley?”

7. The Boston Bruins wanted to hire Dean Lombardi as their new GM, but dithered and dallied and watched him take the same position with the L.A. Kings. They subsequently were on the verge of hiring Ray Shero, but lowballed the Predators assistant GM on a contract offer and watched him vamoose for the top job in Pittsburgh. So they hired their next choice, former Senators assistant GM Peter Chiarelli, only he won’t punch a clock in Beantown until after the NHL draft. All of which is in keeping with the team’s 2006-07 slogan, ____________________.

(a) “Listen, It Can’t Get Any Worse Than A Mid-Season Trade Of The Eventual Art Ross Trophy Winner, OK?”
(b) “I Can’t Believe It’s Not An Expansion Team!”
(c) “It’s Called Bruins (And Yes, It Pays Less Than You’d Expect.)”
(d) “You Oughta Be Grateful – Milbury Was Our Next Choice.”

Scoring: Give yourself a pat on the back for reading this far. Then give your head a shake if you think we’re really going to give you a score.

Adam Proteau’s Screen Shots appears every Monday only on Want to take a shot at Adam Proteau? You can reach him

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