It’s been a crazy and unpredictable season so far in the NHL and in this mirthful look at the current state of affairs, we pick out some very special presents for each and every franchise in the league.
The holidays are a time for giving and since the NHL gives us so much already in the way of entertainment (and employment, “cough”), we felt it was time to return the favor. Here’s an admittedly cheeky wish list we may or may not have received from teams:
Anaheim – Kevin Bieksa’s two front teeth.
Arizona – Tickets to Star Wars or some apps or video games or WHATEVER MAX DOMI AND ANTHONY DUCLAIR WANT
Boston – A couple more guys named Sweeney for the Winter Classic alumni team
Buffalo – Gift certificate to Chef’s. Duh.
Calgary – A guy who can stop pucks…wears a glove, has a weird stick…what do they call those?
Carolina – Either more Staals or less Staals, not sure yet.
Chicago – Well-run machine oil
Colorado – Two more NHL defensemen
Columbus – Three more NHL defensemen
Dallas – SUV with a hot tub in the back. Seguin already has one? OK, back to the drawing board…
Detroit – Oyster knife (getting tired of calamari)
Edmonton – Oh, nothing much. As long as everyone’s Mchealthy and Mchappy we’ll be Mcfine.
Florida – Jaromir Jagr in a Santa suit
Los Angeles – Quiet. Peace and quiet.
Minnesota – The thickest long johns you can find for the Stadium Series in February
Montreal – More celebratory torches to pass on (running low)
Nashville – Do Hootenannies fit in gift bags or do you have to wrap them?
New Jersey – Whatever Super Serum Mike Cammalleri is taking (probably BioSteel, to be honest).
New York Islanders – Unobstructed views.
New York Rangers – Unobstructed views of Henrik Lundqvist’s dreamy smile.
Ottawa – Essence of Erik Karlsson.
Philadelphia – The location of Jakub Voracek.
Pittsburgh – The location of the net.
St. Louis – MOAR BACON.
San Jose – Beard wax and lots of it.
Tampa Bay – Gift receipt for 20,000 Steven Stamkos bobbleheads.
Toronto – A factory that can mass-produce Steven Stamkos bobbleheads.
Vancouver – Real-life video game “franchise mode” that would allow Canucks to skip ahead three seasons.
Washington – If Ovie got a sheep for his birthday, everyone else should get a sheep. Maybe Braden Holtby gets two.
Winnipeg – More Connor Hellebuyck.