They’re all over hockey headlines, and they’re all god awful goofy. Take pity, then, on the NHL players who get their good names crushed by these painfully bad puns.
Puns are like clichés: overused and annoying. At least this editor thinks so. Many headline writers in hockey, however, don’t agree, even at The Hockey News. THN’s other associate editor, Matt Larkin, is known as the office’s inveterate punster. Our associate senior writer, Ryan Kennedy, loves his goofy puns. Even our editor in chief, Jason Kay, gets positively giddy whenever he crafts a “good” pun. Except there are none. There’s no such thing as a good pun. Puns are like Nickelback songs: all of them are awful, at least in hockey headlines, in which they’re almost always perfectly pointless. Whither the headline writer’s logic goes, no one knows. With that in mind, here are the 10 NHL players who get punned most painfully, along with the headline writer’s…uh, er…“logic” behind each pun:
10. Steven Stamkos His nickname is ‘Stammer,’ and he has slick skills on the ice. Stanley Kirk Burrell’s stage name is MC Hammer, and he has mad moves on the dance floor. So when Stamkos lights the lamp, of course it’s cause for STAMMER TIME.
Funny Factor: Headscratch
9. Ben Bishop His first name is Ben, and he is big (6-foot-7, 214 pounds). The bell of the clock in the Elizabeth Tower in London is called Big Ben. Since a large goalie obviously resembles a big clock bell, Bishop becomes BIG BEN.
Funny Factor: Crickets
8. Sergei Bobrovsky There was a movie starring Bill Murray with “Bob” in the title. “Bob” is short for “Bobrovsky.” So when Bobrovsky posts a shutout, headlines writers naturally ask, WHAT ABOUT BOB?
Funny Factor: Slow clap
7. Jarome Iginla Will Smith has a song called “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It.” Iginla’s nickname is ‘Iggy.’ Jarome, then, just has to be GETTIN’ IGGY WITH IT.
Funny Factor: Rimshot
6. Alexander Ovechkin A brash 20-something Macedonian ruled much of the ancient world, and his name was Alexander the Great. A brash 20-something Russian rules the hockey world, his name is Alexander and he wears No. 8. So he is ALEXANDER THE GR8.
Funny Factor: Eye roll
5. Sidney Crosby There was a popular TV show in the 1980s called The Cosby Show about an African-American family in New York. Crosby is a Caucasian from Nova Scotia. So when he gets a lot of points in a game, it makes so much sense to say ‘Sid The Kid’ put on THE CROSBY SHOW.
Funny Factor: Wacka, wacka, wacka
4. Evander/Patrick Kane Their surname name is a homophone with the biblical character Cain who killed his brother Abel. Evander and Patrick are skilled hockey players. Hence, homicide is like elite hockey skill: KANE IS ABLE. Makes sense good.
Funny Factor: Groaner
3. Eric/Marc/Jordan Staal Their surname is Staal. A motor vehicle’s engine can stall. So when a Staal performs poorly, he gets…ugh…STAALED.
Funny Factor: Face palm
2. Jonathan Quick His surname is a synonym of “fast,” he is alive and he plays on a western-based team. Which means whenever Quick kills opposition scoring chances, it’s reminiscent of the Sharon Stone movie, you guessed it, QUICK AND THE DEAD.
Funny Factor: Stab in eye
1. Carey Price There’s a game show called The Price Is Right. When Price plays well, PRICE IS RIGHT. Right? Wait! What?
Funny Factor: Shoot me
Dishonorable Mentions: Jamie Benn: BENN THERE, DONE THAT Nail Yakupov: HAMMER AND NAIL Max Pacioretty: TAKE IT TO THE MAX Ray Emery: SUGAR RAY Marc-Edouard Vlasic: VLASIC A TASTY D-MAN Phil Kessel: PHIL ’R UP Andrew Ladd: A GOOD LADD Bryan Little: LITTLE PLAYS BIG Blake Wheeler: WHEELER HAS SPEED TO BURN Ryan Miller: MILLER TIME