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Loose Change: Cherry Blossoms

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Listen up America, we need to talk.

With all the Homeland threats you've been under lately, the last thing I want to do is get you unnecessarily alarmed. but, in this case, I think it's well worth it.

You see, you're about to be invaded. Don't worry, the intruder isn't your typical army (although he is just as noisy and often fires randomly into a crowd) but a single, solitary individual. This army of one goes by the simple name of Don Cherry, sometimes referred to as The Coach; Grapes; or occasionally, Old Yeller.

Don Cherry is set to pollute hit your airwaves this Saturday when he makes his television debut on NBC's coverage of the National Hockey League playoffs. He is expected to add color, in fact a lot of color, in fact, every color known to man to the telecast. If loud was ice cream, he'd be Baskin-Robbins. He's Rush Limbaugh meets John Madden meets drapes at a yard sale. Imagine Archie Bunker as a pimp.

Rest assured, he's nothing close to a hate monger, though. The man simply doesn't hate, he just grumbles a lot. He loves most Canadians, and Americans - except the weasely kind. Not big on most French Canadians, or Swedes; well most Swedes. In fact, you can be safe in knowing that if the Euro is your currency of choice, chances are Don may both ridicule you and thoroughly butcher your name (or ridicule you by butchering your name).

And he does have his supporters, too. If you have fought against anything in your life - be it oppression; a disease; your cerebral limitations; the Jerries; your best friend; the war on terror; or good taste in clothing – he will absolutely love you.

Think of him like a fine Canadian vintage whine, a little nippy, slightly intoxicating and impossible to stop once the cork's out. If he turns into something you might want a little more of, well then, maybe we can talk shared custody at some point.

Top 12 Things to Note While Watching Don Cherry on NBC:

12 And you thought spats were dead

11 Suddenly, the peacock looks terribly conservative

10 Don spent his entire hockey career in the U.S. (again, thanks for that)

9 Breathe a sigh of relief, that suit is custom-made. It will not reproduce

8 He operates with a seven-second delay: in both the broadcast and the connection between his brain and his mouth

7 No, listen closer, he said he's won Coach of the Year not Couch of the Year

6 Yes, he is yelling. We have no idea why, either

5 Before passing judgment on his logic, remember he's been punched more times than a time clock at General Motors

4 If you follow the standard drinking game rules and take a shot whenever he says the phrase “you kids out there,” you will pass out before the second commercial break

3 He can normally be seen in the first intermission and, from most satellites

2 If he somehow happens to nail the pronunciation of “Afinogenov”, Jesus is contractually-obligated to appear

1 The MUTE and TINT buttons on your remote are there for a reason

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at


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