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Loose Change: Dear Santa

Contrary to popular opinion, elves are extremely lazy little people.

Sure you see all those industrious little folk glorified in the movies but, in reality, a militant union has killed their spunk.

Now, they tend to spend more time avoiding manual labor than actually doing some.

For that reason it wasn't exactly surprising to see a rather large sack slumped on my doorstep with a small note attached:

Dear Loose Change,

Letters from Santa. Please forward. We have scheduling conflict.

Elf Union Local 4277

If there's one weakness an elf has more than free drinks, it's a two-for-one lap dance special. Herein lies the danger of giving early Christmas bonuses to drunken elves.

Although the implication that ¬I be the one to complete the task of forwarding Santa's replies annoyed me, the chance to open someone else's mail proved irresistible.

Besides, Oprah's in reruns right now and I'm in dire need of entertainment.

To start, a letter to Mike O'ConnellÂ…

Dear Mike,

Yes, Santa does grant wishes, but no, I can't reverse trades. Perhaps you'd like a new ResumeWriter 3000?


...and one for Bob ClarkeÂ…

Dear Bob,

I had your Christmas wish list for additional medical staff entirely filled when, unexpectedly, my two finest Russian doctors cancelled out at the last minute when they heard where they were headed. Is there something you aren't telling me?


...and for Sidney Crosby...

Dear Sidney,

Santa's powers do not including “whacking people”. I'm not exactly sure what problems exist between you and this Ovechkin fellow, but I suggest you find a way to become friends. A fruit cake can be a nice icebreaker.


Â…and Mike KitchenÂ…

Dear Mike,

I have arranged you to be airlifted as requested on Christmas Day, around 2 p.m. Please pack lightly as there will be others on that flight.


...and Alexander OvechkinÂ…

Dear Alexander,

I have arranged you to be airlifted as requested on Christmas Day, around 2 p.m. Please pack lightly as there will be others on that flight.


...and Gary BettmanÂ…

Dear Gary,

I'm sorry. The thickest insoles we make are 4 inches. I'm sending two pairs as I'm told they can be doubled up.


...and Steve YzermanÂ…

Dear Steve,

Unfortunately, it's not within my power to add extra years to your hockey career. That's something left to a higher power. The Easter Bunny can be reached by calling 738-332-4545, extension 122.


...and Garth SnowÂ…

Dear Garth,

Supplying you with larger goalie pads requires me to change your status on the Naughty List. In three attempts to change it, I have been unsuccessful and I now require a password from my superior, Mrs. Claus. She apparently needs clearance from her supervisor, Colin Campbell. Sure you wouldn't rather have a puppy?


...and Dany HeatleyÂ…

Dear Dany,

It's sweet that all you want for Christmas “is your one front tooth”, but I am not in any position to provide you the cash equivalent for the other tooth you don't require. We can credit your account for next year or you can exchange the unused tooth for something from our 2005 catalogue (pages 122-129). Please be advised that Omni Referee Whistles (page 127) are out of stock at this time.


Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at


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