Skip to main content

Loose Change: Malkin it

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

As with all larger-than-life scandals, the truth is often the first thing lost. Remember the whole Ben Affleck-J-Lo fiasco? Remember the media hounds using the word “actress” and the word “Lopez” in the same sentence? Such is the unattractive result of fact getting really, really drunk and carelessly shacking up with fiction.

Predictably, this whole Evgeni Malkin international affair has also produced its fair share of hearsay and hyperbole. Lucky for you Loose Change is fluent in over forty languages and vaccinated against ailment below the waist. Let's see what our underpaid minions can do about extracting some truths from this infestation of rumors. If nothing else we can keep people talkingÂ…

Fact: Evgeni Malkin has a legally binding one year contract with Metallurg Magnitogorsk.

It was signed in the hospital delivery room and has the Yakov Smirnov Seal Of Approval, so yes, it's Moscow-legal.

Fiction: Malkin bolted in Helsinki so that he could eventually join the Pittsburgh Penguins.

More distasteful to Evgeni than Metallurg was that Finnish cuisine. How much herring can a man be expected to eat?

Fiction: Evgeni Malkin now has a Canadian passport.

Acquiring a Canadian passport takes almost twelve minutes and there is the requisite automatic weapons test. Malkin simply would not have had the time.

Fact: In protest, Russians tanks have amassed at the Polish border.

There are reportedly six tanks. Of the six only one has an engine that is currently operational (but has no armor, guns, or a working radio). Four of the tanks are made by Lada and will have void warranties should the drivers use any of the direction signals. One of the tanks is actually a grandmother of twelve from Vladivostok.

Fiction: Malkin is being assisted in this by his agents.

His agents J.P. Barry and Pat Brisson have had absolutely no contact with Evgeni other to set up him up with someone specialized in avoiding detection, apparently someone named Waldo.

Fiction: Malkin is holed up in the basement of an abandoned warehouse in Pittsburgh.

Malkin is, in fact, at a Hooters Restaurant in southern Pittsburgh. Having seen the girls in Pittsburgh though, he may actually wish for that basement.

Fact: Entrepreneurs are already capitalizing on this story.

Russian outfitting giant Nokkmei Balzov has produced what's known as The Malkin Tent, which is a very tall and portable camping accessory. While it's very durable, adaptable and protective, the manufacturers highly recommend utilizing extra long pegs to keep it from moving unexpectedly.

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday during the season and every Tuesday during the summer only on

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at


Yaroslav Askarov

Predators Sign Top Prospect Yaroslav Askarov

The Nashville Predators have signed top goaltending prospect Yaroslav Askarov to a three-year NHL entry-level contract.


Hockey Things: What Caught Our Eye (May 16th Edition)

Brady Tkachuk has hopped on the Flames bandwagon, Carter Verhaeghe is Mr. Clutch and Emily Kaplan shows once again why she's one of the game's hockey personalities.


Top 5 Performers from the Opening Round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs

The first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs is in the books, with a crop of familiar names leading the way with their performances. Here's a look at some of the best.