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Loose Change: Pressing Matters

Sean Avery has a lacerated spleen. What is that? Will he be OK? Will he ever be the same player?

Hey, one question at a time. The spleen is located just south of the skull and just north of the big toe. I believe it controls blood flow, filters bad junk from your blood and apparently picks up shortwave radio signals if you hold your left arm just right.

As for Avery himself, his spleen is cut. (Being such a benign player, I have no idea how this happened). His doctors told me he’ll be all right, although they also yelled at me, told me they had notified security and to stop playing with the surgical utensils.

Will he ever be the same player? Well, he’ll be three pounds lighter and slightly more agitated. You tell me.

I live with my wife in the Tampa area. Frankly the woman is hockey nuts. I mean, the weather’s beautiful and I want to take her on a romantic walk, or we might go antiquing together, or there’s this little getaway spot we used to escape to when we were first dating I think might re-charge the batteries. Still, I can’t tear her away from the TV. Hockey, hockey, hockey – that’s all she does! I’m not a needy person, but a guy needs some attention! Seems like she’s stopped listening to me. What can I do to distract her, stop her from ignoring me and tear her away from this NHL passion of hers?

Sorry, what was that again…?

Are the Penguins for real?

Starting the playoffs 7-0 is never a bad thing. Keep in mind they did play what equated to a legless turtle in the first round. Plus the New York Rangers were a little awestruck by the sight of Sidney Crosby finally on Broadway after all this time (do you realize how difficult it is to get tickets to a thing like that?).

The addition of Hal Gill and his body of excellent work was…wait, I was thinking of Hal Holbrook. I guess you might attribute the Penguins’ success to their abundance of speed, made possible by the fact that most of the team is still pubescent and can’t grow facial hair – so there’s zero wind drag when they skate.

So, to answer your question, I have no idea…

What’s wrong with the San Jose Sharks? Why can’t they win in the playoffs?

The Sharks problem is two-fold. It’s the second round and they fold.

OK, since you’re such a hockey expert and you claim an astounding 100 percent accuracy rate (since 2003), just between you and me, who’s going to be in the final?

As always I will release my picks in late May, possibly June. Stay tuned.

I’m really worried about the Toronto Maple Leafs’ search for a GM situation. I haven’t heard anything recently; the season is drawing to a close and the NHL draft is quickly approaching. I’m concerned this team is not concerned enough about getting things solved. One could say they’re just being diligent, but I’m worried they’ve lost their focus after being turned down by Brian Burke. Should I be worried? This certainly doesn’t seem to be a very professional way to run an organization.

New in town are we?

The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at


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