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Loose Change: So this is Tuesday...

The Hockey News

The Hockey News

It’s official. I’ve been moved in the lineup from Thursdays to Tuesdays (which is sort of spelled the same, so that should really help me narrow down possibilities when I (again) forget which color of pill I’m supposed to take on which days).

My editor says the reasons for the move are twofold. First, there is a definite need to have the hate-mail spread out more evenly throughout the week (Benny, the Friday Mail Guy, put his back out again). Secondly, my editor does this kind of thing every so often, just to show his wife he’s extremely powerful (which apparently also makes him incredibly virile). Hey, if I can help a brother out and my pay’s only cut by 63 percent, who am I to complain?

So, like sobriety or a barrel of road tar, it’s best to just immerse yourself into it quickly without contemplating or thinking too much about what you’re planning to do.

Tuesday Newsday, what do you have for me?

Depending on whom you listen to, Craig Hartsburg has been tossed, axed, terminated, canned or booted by the Ottawa Senators. I’m all for getting what you want out of a job, but a so-called civilized society such as ours should be able to relieve a man of said job without having to resort to such wanton violence. I mean, now the team shows some toughness.

Robert Lang, ruptured Achilles tendon; Tomas Kaberle, broken hand; Chris Clark, torn wrist tendon. Was that a Bingo? Did I just hear a Bingo?

The NHL has suspended L.A. Kings defenseman Denis Gauthier five games for a vicious elbow to the head of Montreal Canadien Josh Gorges. Was the victim happy with the judgment? Hard to tell. His only comment after the hit was “Mother, where is my Tonka?”

Although he’s been cleared by doctors (obviously Columbus season ticket holders) to keep playing, Columbus Blue Jackets goaltender Steve Mason is battling mononucleosis. I’d actually like to see him play through this entire crisis, get the team into the playoffs and lead the Blue Jackets to the Stanley Cup. Then, as payback, Mason should be the first to drink champagne out of the cherished mug. I can hear his teammates now: “No, it’s OK, I’m really not that thirsty.”

Oh yes, for all those with Peter Forsberg Farewell Tour 2009 tickets, please be advised the concert has been officially cancelled for the second consecutive year, although we will honor your tickets during any of the next three years.

My Hollywood Movie Pitch of the week: OK, it’s a story about a guy who’s being held captive in this dark dingy place and there’s this crazy madman – maybe two madmen – who make him fight for his survival, putting him through all sorts barbaric rituals and psychological torture. He must fight for his own life at the hands of these evil, obviously demented control freaks. It’s tentatively entitled The Vincent Lecavalier Story. Thoughts?

The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday only on Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at


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