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Loose Change: The UFA samba

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

OK, it's almost September and you still don't have a date for the prom. Not that you're that worried about it, but it'd be nicer to be picking through evening attire rather than a flight schedule.

It's very odd. You always seemed so popular, but now, when the opportunity arises to get a firm commitment from a potential suitor, everyone turns Kurt Russell to your Goldie Hawn.

I mean, what's a person got to do to get a little “attention” around here?

Well, first off, you could try:

A candygram - Nothing says “I need you” like copious amounts of sugar rolled up in song. And nothing sticks in a human's head like a catchy little jingle (hello to all you boys, my name is Carter… I really think that I could be your starter). If music be the food of love, game on.

Send a little note - It's like the candygram, only there's no music and your teeth last much longer. It also allows one to express those deeper, inner-most thoughts that don't work well with the jingle of a jingle. You know you want me. Stop this charade and give me what you know I want and what I know you need is really hard to set to music.

Use a friend - When all else fails, sometimes those closest to you can be of some assistance. It never hurts to utilize that special someone to catch the attention of that other special someone (I know who likes youÂ…). Just make sure they speak clearly, carry a recent picture of you and don't have cooties.

Lower your standards - Look, we all know your sirloin tastes. Maybe you're just more a meatloaf type. I mean, would you rather sit at home dreaming of Prince Charming or actually go to the dance even if it is with Damien, King of the Cyclops?

Be willing to put out – This should pretty much go without saying, but no one is going to commit that much to you unless they know they're going to get something tangible in return. If you're not the type that's going to “produce” then it's highly likely you might be The Wallflower Queen for longer than you expected. Just because your old flame “got something” last year, doesn't mean the new boy is thinking he's guaranteed your best effort. Realistically, if he's paying for the elite package, he has to know he's going to score.

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday during the season and every Tuesday during the summer only on

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at



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