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Loose Change: West coasting

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Frankly I'm at a loss for words which, for me, is like a security guard running out of donuts – it just never happens.

It's that whole Vancouver Canucks leading the Northwest Division thing that has me puzzled. How did that happen? As far as I'm concerned, they're just one Italian guy and a trio of Swedes which, to me, sounds more like a cheesy adult film than a hockey team.

I sincerely didn't see this one coming. Sounds, to me, like somebody should be sent west on the company credit card to witness this incredible phenomenon first hand. I mean, if Orca Whales were driving school buses I'd be sent there wouldn't I, and this seems just as unlikely.

It appears that getting to the bottom of this absurdly strange anomaly will require a tiny bit of investigative journalism or, better yet, a hint of imagination combined with a whole mess of creative license. Interesting, what you can come up with when you're not fenced in by terribly annoying factors like truth and reality.


12 Todd Bertuzzi's number was retired over the summer – by the B.C. Bar Association

11 head coach Alain Vigneault was orphaned at age 29

10 Roberto Luongo has more shutouts this year than Sidney Crosby and Jaromir Jagr combined

9 Brian Smolinski was acquired in exchange for a 2nd round pick and three really great Mike Keenan jokes

8 the only natural rivals to the Canucks are the San Jose Sharks and the Arctic Tern

7 Microsoft Word will not accept the word Bieksa but will accept Beaks or Bikes

6 the Canucks' logo is a whale breaking free from a tray of ice cubes

5 Trevor Linden is not an octogenarian (he's only 78)

4 GM Place is named after two really cool letters in the alphabet

3 they are in first place because the division is ranked West to East

2 Rory Fitzpatrick is somehow a finalist for Miss Oregon

1 Telling the Sedin twins apart requires a protractor and seven Opal beads

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at


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