The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Live and learn, as they say. Here's what's occupying cranial space at this point in the playoffs:
-If the score is tied and the game's on the line, I want Marty Turco behind me. Preferably behind some sort of partition, eating popcorn.
-It's good to see Distinct Kicking Motion back in the news. I haven't heard anything from him since Dances With Wolves.
-Forget visors, players need to wear full face shields. Teemu Selanne without front teeth is like Cindy Crawford as a Cyclops.
-Tenderize. Pepper. Roast for sixty minutes. Let simmer. Serves twenty five. Works for either Lagasse or Legace.
-Hold those heads up high, Ranger fans. Who says public decapitation isn't a big part of the healing process?
-There hasn't been an inability to score in Montreal like this since Roger Ebert went clubbing.
-Fans in Carolina still know virtually nothing when it comes to the nuances of hockey. Fans there were shouting for Laviolette to Â“score a touchdownÂ” when, in fact, kicking the game-tying field goal was the absolute right decision.
-The Sharks really miss Marco Sturm more than they might let on.*
-Jose Theodore credits his athletic rebirth to proper conditioning. He suggests botanicals or, at the very least, something with papaya.
-There's Fernando and Raffi but, for the life of me, I can't think of the third Tenor.
-When Tampa needed him to come up big, he didn't deliver. Simple as that. If you can't count on him to produce when it's necessary, you get yourself another Zamboni driver.
*Paid for the Mike O'Connell Appreciation Society in association with marcorules.com
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.