The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Sometimes there are just those questions that demand answers. Over time my imagination comes up with I receive a lot of emails from people with a burning desire to know about something in hockey that's been bugging them for a long time. Luckily my medication knowledge and influence is such that I can almost always satisfy that longing for the truth. If not, I can usually admirably fake it find out the answer in time. Feel free to email me your queries for future columns. I need bus fare home pay wellÂ…
Now, on with the showÂ…
Is it legal to punch a goalie on a breakaway in the shootout?
Heavens no. But really, how many times have you ever seen a goalie on a breakaway in the first place?
I run an IT company and recently received a resume by a Mike Milbury who claims to have had a long and distinguished career in the NHL. Ever heard of him?
Like Â‘I.P. Nightly' and Â‘Pat McCrotch', what you have there is apparently another in a long line of novelty names meant to dupe the unsuspecting. Numerous calls around the league confirmed it: Â“Mike Milbury is a joke.Â”
What nation is poised to be the next hockey superpower?
As corny as this might sound: Iceland. Their whole country is covered in ice and they have perhaps the physically toughest humans on the planet. All the women look like men and the men look like bears, so you know they can take a punch or two.
That Indian on the Blackhawks jersey, is he anyone in particular?
Reportedly it is the visage of a sacred Navajo Indian Shaman whose job it is to keep the city safe from evil spirits, surprise attacks and unwanted hardware. Rumor has it he goes by either Chief Notthisyear, or Gerald.
What's the best location in the rink to nab a puck?
The souvenir stand. Wait for him to cough or make change.
Why do players drop their gloves when they fight?
There are two theories to this:
1. Blood stains on leather are a bitch to get out;
2. Not all primates have thumbs.
No matter how hard I try I can't get my girlfriend to like hockey. What can I do to make her want to share this passion of mine with me?
Ultimately, true love allows for differences like this. The simple reality of her not sharing your passion for the sport is not reason enough to call an end to a potentially great relationship. The fact that she's not hot, however, is.
Who's the best coach in the NHL right now?
Right now it's 4 a.m., I'd say whoever's still up at this point should get that honor.
What's Don Cherry really like?
He really likes making money, endorsing anything and everything from car insurance to pantyliners.
Who'd be the better hockey player, The Hulk or Spiderman?
Neither. The Hulk would be tossed out in his first fight for not having his jersey tied down and the knock on Spiderman has always been that he doesn't backcheck.
Do you think Paul Henderson should be allowed into The Hall of Fame?
I don't see why not. If a guy pays his admission, he should be treated like anyone else.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.