You know how you sometimes get an email containing a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo at the bottom saying if you received it in error, you’ll have your fingernails pulled out one-by-one if you don’t destroy it immediately?
Well, nuts to that.
Yesterday we received one of those from the Toronto Maple Leafs. It turns out their media relations department has a standard template for a news release to announce another Carlo Colaiacovo injury. All they do is simply fill in the blanks using one of a host of options.
We thought we’d share it with you.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The Toronto Maple Leafs regret to announce defenseman Carlo Colaiacovo sustained (a sprained knee / a broken leg / a concussion / a hangnail / botulism / a punctured lung / gigantism / a broken collarbone / a fractured foot / bird flu / a broken face) in a game against (insert team here) on (insert date here) when he (went flying head-first into the boards / was drilled into an open bench door / was hit by space junk / got his foot caught in the back of the net / slipped on a banana peel during the pre-game meal / fell into a manhole / was attacked by a vicious pack of rabid dogs).
Colaiacovo was examined by (whoever the team doctor is when he’s not being fired) this morning and it has been determined he will be out for (one game / one week / two weeks / a month / indefinitely / the rest of his career).
“Carlo was just beginning to establish himself as a contributor on our defense corps,” said Maple Leafs’ coach (check this before releasing) Paul Maurice. “If he could ever stay healthy, it would be interesting to see how he could play in back-to-back games. But we’ll have to soldier on without Carlo and try to make the playoffs, which we can do if we win tonight. If we lose, then we’re really out of it and I mean it this time. We really have to win all the rest of our games and the next time we lose our season is over, I think.”
At the time of his injury, Colaiacovo had two goals and 10 assists, to go with 37 stitches and 42 cortisone shots.
Trust us, this thing is catching on. The Colorado Avalanche have one for Peter Forsberg and the Carolina Hurricanes have one for Tuomo Ruutu…
Ken Campbell is a senior writer for The Hockey News and a regular contributor to THN.com. His blog appears Tuesdays and Fridays and his column, Campbell's Cuts, appears Mondays.
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