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And now for something completely different…

• Jarrow, 1912 – I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition and their two weapons: fear and surprise. And ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition and their four weapons – and nice red uniforms. Well, except Gary Bettman. (Diabolical laughter)

• Evgeny Artyukhin gets two games for kneeing... Are you kidding me? All he did was zig when he should have zagged. Under these rules, Human Resources would have handed me two days off work for running into that lady in the hallway yesterday.

• Does anyone else think Michael Frolik has become the best player on the Florida Panthers and will be in the Calder race by season’s end? Well, so long as Steve Mason quits inspiring us in the media to write his gospels. (Wait ’til the playoff beard gets here)

• Wade Dubielewicz went from Siberia, to the New York Islanders, to Columbus. Well, at least it’s better than the Islanders.

• Who’s the scarier enforcer, George Parros or Ogie Oglethorpe? Note: Oglethorpe was once deported to Canada, which refused to accept him.

Can Gazprom use Ukraine as an excuse to stop player transfers from Russia to the West?

• If a Coyote howls and no one is around, does it hop on a jet to Winnipeg?

Excuse me, what’s that? It’s a bunch of undeserving Montreal Canadiens in the All-Star Game. OK. But what’s that? That’s the money you could be saving with Geico.

• In this year’s shootout showdown at the All-Star Game skills competition, I really hope someone tries the “Knucklepuck.”

• So you think fighting in hockey is bad now? I can remember the days when only the losers of the fight were given a penalty, while the winner got off unscathed. Man, they really had Blades of Steel back then.

• What’s faster, Alex Ovechkin on a Segway, Claude Lemieux on a power wheelchair, or Ben Johnson on, well, whatever that stuff was?

• New rule: If, at any time, your helmet comes off and you don’t have a mullet providing at least five inches of insulation for your head, “you go to the box, you know, two minutes by yourself and you feel shame, you know. And then you get free.”

• “The Chiefs are at home tonight against Hyannis Port at the War Memorial at eight. Good seats are still available. I think that went very well.

Rory Boylen is's web content specialist and a regular contributor to His blog appears Tuesdays and his feature, A Scout's Life, appears Thursdays.

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