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Due to popular demand, a.k.a. a deadline, we bring you the Fannies, online version.

What are the Fannies, you ask? Why, they’re my off-the-beaten-track honors for remarkable/dubious distinctions, named for popular musicians and songs, of course.

Remember, you asked.

It’s our third annual instalment of the Fannies and, just like the NHL’s Las Vegas production in June, we have no host. So, without further ado, here are the winners (feel free to submit your own suggestions in the comments section):

The Chuck Berry/Johnny B. Goode Award goes to…
John Tavares, who suddenly has the weight of an island on his teenaged shoulders.

The Rolling Stones/Sympathy for the Devil Award goes to…
Scott Clemmensen, for filling in for a legend better than anyone could have expected only to be jettisoned to the American League for his efforts.

The Bob Dylan/Tangled Up in Blue Award goes to…
Tomas Kaberle, for somehow remaining a Maple Leaf despite frequent reports and speculation of his imminent departure.

The R.E.M./Orange Crush Award goes to…
the Philadelphia Flyers, for beefing up by acquiring Chris Pronger. And Ray Emery.

The Led Zeppelin/Communication Breakdown Award goes to…
the Chicago Blackhawks, for shockingly failing to send qualifying offers, by the deadline, to several restricted free agents.

The Lenny Kravitz/Mr. Cab Driver Award goes to…
Patrick Kane. Enough said.

The Allman Brothers/I’m No Angel Award goes to…
Zack Stortini, for leading the NHL last season with 25 fighting majors.

The Jimi Hendrix/Purple Haze Award goes to…
the Los Angeles Kings, for missing the playoffs for the sixth consecutive time.

The Simon and Garfunkel/Sounds of Silence Award goes to…
the Atlanta Thrashers, for “filling” their home rink to a league-low 78.9 per cent of capacity – and that’s based on announced attendance.

The Tammy Wynette/Stand by Your Man Award goes to…
Ken Holland, for sticking with and believing in Chris Osgood when nobody else did.

The Clash/Should I Stay or Should I Go Award goes to…
Marian Hossa, for going when he should have stayed.

The Roger Miller/King of the Road Award goes to…
the Red Wings, for leading the NHL with the best record (24-12-5) away from home.

The Sister Sledge/We Are Family Award goes to…
the Calgary Flames, who, with five Sutters now in the organization, have taken brotherly love to a new level.

The Lynyrd Skynyrd/Sweet Home Alabama Award goes to…
Jared Ross, the first native of the southern state to appear in an NHL game.

The Neil Sedaka/Breaking Up is Hard to Do Award goes to…
Dany Heatley, for botching his escape attempt from Ottawa nearly as badly as Alexei Yashin.

Jason Kay is the editor in chief of The Hockey News and a regular contributor to His blog appears regularly in the off-season.

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