Editor's note: All quotes from this story are from Spencer Stastney's interview with Sportsnet's 32 Thoughts podcast, which can be listened to here.

Spencer Stastney wants to "try to score" for the first time in his career.  

The defenseman, who was drafted in the fifth round by the Nashville Predators in 2023 and has split time between Nashville and Milwaukee, said coaches have always told him he's been "passive." 

"I'm still getting used to wanting to score and wanting to do more, but it's coming and it's something that I want to work on," Stastney said." Moving into training camp, I'm feeling so much better. I'm looking forward to getting there and sticking there." 

Working on new areas of his game and wanting to make a crack at the Predators roster, it's hard to believe Stastney retired from hockey a year ago when he was 24 years old. 

Sunday, in an in-depth interview on Sportsnet's 32 Thoughts podcast, Stastney opened up to hosts Kyle Bukauskas and Elliotte Friedman on his lengthy battle with anxiety and depression, and how he's grown as a person and player. 

'It wasn't fair to anyone'

Following the Milwaukee Admirals' decisive Game 5 loss to the Coachella Valley Firebirds in the 2024 AHL Calder Cup Playoffs, Stastney was "pretty happy" that the season was over. 

Struggling with his mental health the entire season, and it is affecting his play on the ice, Stastney had "nothing in the tank." He then looked over to his teammate, Cal O'Reilly, and realized that something needed to be done about what he was going through. 

"I saw him [O'Reilly] on my left just defeated and looking miserable. There were tears in his eyes, and he wanted to win that game more than anything," Stastney said. "That's when I realized what I was going through wasn't fair to him or anyone on this team."

Stastney had been struggling with depression and anxiety the entire season. He said he felt overwhelmed, crying for hours on the phone with a therapist in Nashville. He felt like he was starting to dislike the game he had loved. 

In the playoffs, as soon as he'd get on the ice, he'd be jumping back over the boards onto the bench. It got to the point where the Admirals' defensive coach, Scott Ford, started to take notice. 

"I can't do this. I can't get on the ice. I can't go there. I'd hop on the ice and take 10-second shifts," Stastney said. "Even our D-coach Scott Ford was like 'what are you doing? We need you out there,' and I just had nothing." 

"I just wasn't there" 

In the offseason, Stastney met with his representation in Chicago and decided that he wanted to retire after just three seasons as a professional hockey player. He was ready for a change, but "nothing changed."

"I thought it was going to be a sigh of relief," Stastney said on retiring. "I was going to get up in the morning, feel great, start applying for jobs, feel like a new person and finally feel free. I was still miserable." 

Stastney was eventually approached by his agent, Pete Rutili, whom he called a "father figure," and suggested that Stastney enter the NHLPA's player assistance program and start seeing a therapist regularly. 

Realizations made in therapy 

Stastney began to meet with a therapist in Chicago, referred to as "Cindy" in the interview. 

While anxious upon their first meeting, Stastney said that he broke down almost immediately and got only three words out the entire session. 

It was through multiple sessions of therapy that Stastney began to realize that it wasn't hockey that was causing him to feel like this. 

Stastney grew up in Milwaukee with his mom, dad, brother and sister. When Stastney started getting good at hockey and wanting to take it seriously, his mom and brother moved down to Chicago with him so he could play at Bridgedale Academy in Woodridge, Illinois.

While Stastney was enjoying his time in Chicago, where he played up until he was about 15, he later realized that his family was struggling. 

"The big thing with the move to Chicago...I thought what happened with my family, with my parents getting divorced, my sister's and mom's depression, I took that to heart and I took ownership of that," Stastney said.

"They were all doing the Chicago move for me...pretty everything that went South in my family, after that Chicago move, I took ownership and felt really guilty moving forward." 

He began seeing a therapist for the first time while playing with the United States National Developmental Program from 2016 to 2018. Stastney stopped seeing a therapist when he got to college, playing at Notre Dame from 2018 to 2022.

When he started playing professional hockey, that is where his mental health issues began to flare up again. 

"I wasn't doing anything outside of the rink," Stastney said. "I'd go to the rink, come home, sit on my couch and say 'what do I do now?' That's when I started meeting with a therapist from the NHLPA program." 

After working with the therapist, Stastney began to see progress. The time he spent crying during sessions began to dwindle slowly, and he said that Cindy seeing him as a person and not a hockey player was important. 

"I had a rule with my family that there was no hockey talk away from the rink. I'd get stressed and anxious," Stastney said. "When I heard her tell me that she didn't care about hockey, but me as a person, I took a sigh of relief." 

Learning to love the game again 

Toward the end of the 2024 offseason, Stastney decided that he wanted to come back and told the Predators on Sept. 11 that he'd be at training camp on Sept. 18. 

It was only four days later that Stastney wasn't ready to return, mentally or physically. He needed to move at his own pace, and the people around him supported that. 

Eventually, Stastney started working individually with former Predators defenseman Mark Borowiecki to get back on the ice. 

"He was the final piece in telling me that I'm going to be ready [to get back on the ice]," Stastney said on working with Borowiecki. 

Not being on the ice between June and October, Stastney knew that it was going to be a tough transition getting back into pro shape. 

"I remember crawling off the ice thinking, what was I doing?" Stastney said. "About a week into being on the ice 1-on-1, we wanted to simulate some contact...I remember as soon as he plastered me into the wall, I knew I was done [for the day]."  

During the interview, Bukauskas mentioned that he had talked to Borowiecki about Stastney and relayed a message from him. 

"I can be proud of Spencer, the organization can be proud of Spencer, but Spencer needs to be proud of Spencer," Borowiecki said via Bukauskas. 

After weeks of training, Stastney made his return with the Admirals on Dec. 7 against the Iowa Wild. he played 26 games last season in Milwaukee and scored 17 points. He also played 23 games in Nashville, scoring three points. 

Stastney is expected to be at Predators training camp in September, aiming to break into the Predators lineup. However, he's also working on his relationship with hockey, finding joy and accomplishment within the sport. 

"Every time I wake up and go to the gym or I'm on the ice, I'm already more accomplished in one day than I was all of last summer," Stastney said. "No matter how many times I skate or work out, I'm going to be more prepared for this training camp than ever before."