The Player And Team Names Are Real. Nothing Else Should Be Taken Seriously.

Don't worry if you're unfamiliar with most - or all - of the names bandied about in advance of next month's 2023 NHL draft.

This parody mock draft of the first 23 picks (why 23? why not?) reveals everything we hope happens - but won't - June 28-29 in Nashville.

PICKS 1-5

1. Chicago Blackhawks: The Hawks take the next generational talent, "slam dunk" superstar. That's right, franchise-altering power forward Victor Wembanyama from Le Chesnay, France.

2. Anaheim Ducks: The Ducks opt for a right winger out of Tallahassee, Florida, Ron DeSantis, and immediately assign him to Disneyland.

3. Columbus Blue Jackets: Columbus trades the pick, along with their mascot, Stinger, the “Bug with an Attitude,” to Tampa Bay. The Blue Jackets get a suite at Tampa's Amalie Arena to watch next year's playoffs.

The Lightning, unprepared to pick in the first round, pass.

4. San Jose Sharks: The team which put new meaning into the phrase "Shark Tank" originally wanted right-handed center Will Smith from the USA under-18 national development program.

They actually draft "Men In Black" movie actor Will Smith instead, because they like his physicality.

5. Montreal Canadiens: At their draft table, Montreal uses a Ouija board to summon the spirit of Sam Pollock. The move backfires when Pollock orders an AHL prospect be sent to the California Seals so Montreal can draft Guy Lafleur.

PICKS 6-10

6. Arizona Coyotes: Arizona's scouts find a player whose very name embodies the franchise, a defenseman with Farjestad Jrs. in Sweden, Hugo Hell.

7. Philadelphia Flyers: The Flyers draft Finnish center Rasmus Kumpulainen, hoping whiny opponents won't be able to "stop Kumpulainen."

8. Washington Capitals: Going off the board, the Capitals are guided by bloodline to select Alex Ovechkin's 3-year-old son, Sergei.

9. Detroit Red Wings: Red Wings GM Steve Yzerman negotiates with Seattle to acquire the name "Kraken" to go with his franchise's octopus connection. When that fails, he grabs Thunderbirds goalie Scott Ratzlaff. Take that, Seattle!

10. St. Louis Blues: In what amounts to a no-brainer, the Blues take a d-man from Dubuque of the USHL, Lucas St. Louis.

PICKS 11-15

11. Vancouver Canucks: The Canucks decline to select a player, claiming they "Don't want to upset team chemistry."

12. Arizona Coyotes: The Coyotes take Sweden's Skelleftea Jr. goalie, Alexander Hellnemo. For the reason, see pick #6. (Although, "Hell No" might be a great netminder nickname.)

13. Buffalo Sabres: From the U.S. under-18 squad, Buffalo picks Gabriel Perreault. Something intrigues them about his name.

14. Pittsburgh Penguins: Pittsburgh shocks the experts by selecting a left wing from Hamilton, Florian Xhekaj, reportedly because they're seeking to make life miserable for their public-address announcer.

15. Nashville Predators: Pittsburgh then trades for Nashville's spot in the draft. In turn, they agree not to mention their 2017 Stanley Cup while the Predators are within earshot.

With the pick, the Penguins get a defenseman from Charlottetown, Anton Topilnyckyj, because, again, they hate their P-A man.

PICKS 16-20

16. Calgary Flames: In a bold and controversial move, Calgary chooses Bon Scott. The pick is largely ceremonial, because the AC/DC lead singer has been dead since 1980. But the band's hit, "TNT," is the Flames' goal song.

17. Detroit Red Wings: With his second 1st round pick, Yzerman selects Stepan Zvyagin, a winger from Dinamo-Shinnik in Russia. Yzerman plans to market him as "Stevie Z."

18. Winnipeg Jets: From Sioux City, Winnipeg plucks center Benjamin Poitras, mainly because "Bennie and the Jets" sounds cool.

19. Chicago Blackhawks: Chicago surrenders the pick to Columbus, in exchange for a promise from the Blue Jackets not to fire that damn cannon when Columbus scores a home goal against the Blackhawks.

With the pick, Columbus takes Brady Cleveland, a 6-5 defenseman with the U.S. under-18 team.

20. Seattle Kraken: Amazingly, the once-consensus top amateur hockey player becomes available to Seattle for the second consecutive draft.

The Kraken do consider Connor Bedard, but instead go with Tye Kartye to correct an oversight. Although Kartye has already played for Seattle in the playoffs, he went unselected in his draft-eligible year.

PICKS 21-23

21. Minnesota Wild: Minnesota chooses Matthew Mania, a defenseman from Sudbury. What team other than the Wild would be better for Mania?

22. Columbus Blue Jackets: Columbus takes Cole Brown, a left wing from Hamilton. Combined with the player selected at #19, the Jackets are hoping a Cleveland-Brown combo will be a hit with northern Ohio sports fans.

23. New York Rangers: The Lightning package newly acquired Stinger with their own insect, Thunderbug, to the Rangers, who lack their own mascot. The trade creates a buzz in the Big Apple.

Tampa receives the rights to three Billy Joel concerts, and at the podium, selects Portland defenseman Luca Cagnoni. They announce the pick by saying, "Leave the gun, take the Cagnoni."