A Possible Explanation For Kraken's Early Season Woes
Kraken-Verse Headlines:
- Seattle Kraken winger Andre Burakovsky out 6-8 weeks with undisclosed upper-body injury suffered Saturday, GM Ron Francis tells Seattle Times.
- Burakovsky joins winger Brandon Tanev, out 4-6 weeks with a lower-body injury incurred in 3rd period of season.
- Kraken 1-4-1; in five defeats, have scored a grand total of four goals - never more than one in any single loss.
- In lifeless 4-1 setback to Rangers on Saturday, "We were soft on pucks," said winger Jared McCann. "We weren't skating like we can," said defenseman Justin Schultz.
Channeling the immortal words of Taggart (Slim Pickens) in Blazing Saddles, "What in the wide, wide world of sports is a-goin' on here?"
While doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result may be the definition of insanity, what's driving the Kraken crazy is mostly the same players, doing mostly the same things, and NOT getting the same results.
The members of the 46-win, 100-point, dynamic 5-on-5 Seattle Kraken couldn't possibly have all forgotten, all at the same time, how to hockey. Could they?
Since no earthly reasoning can explain it, we're forced to consider supernatural meddling. Like, just speculating now, something along these lines:
Hockey Gods Executive Suite, 1 Heaven's Rink Blvd.
Hockey Gods: "Spirit of Frank Foyston, captain of the 1917 Stanley Cup champion Seattle Metropolitans, c'mon in."
Frank Foyston: "Why have you summoned me, Hockey Gods?"
HGs: "Remember when we promised you a 46-win season for the Kraken, with nothing expected in return?"
FF: "Yeah, thanks. That was the bee's knees..."
HGs: "About that. For some reason, we owe the Devil a favor."
FF: "Who? Nathan Bastian? Nico Hischier? Certainly not Vitek Vanecek? We drafted that guy, for Your's sake!"
HGs: (Sighs) "Not those Devils. Anyway, we have to make it for a while so none of the Kraken can successfully shoot a beach ball into Puget Sound."
FF: "Can it get any more excruciating?"
HGs: "Unfortunately, yes. We have to gift you great goaltending and a superior penalty kill, which won't matter because your team won't be allowed to score."
FF: "How long will this curse last?"
HGs: "Hey, we gave the Kraken a one-game reprieve against Carolina. As soon as we can get Lucifer back focused full-time on the Toronto Maple Leafs, you guys should be fine."
In a pinch, also can be used as a hell of a spatula.