Breaking Down All The Latest New York Rangers' Trade Rumors Pretend the Rangers were a real person with a best friend who worried about his perplexing and inconsistent behavior. This is how The Maven sees the fantasy: Friend to Mr. Ranger: "WHAT YOU NEED IS A GOOD SHRINK!" Now Mister Ranger is on the couch, telling the doctor the dozen things that drove him for the cure in the first place: 1. "That Trouba stuff during the summer made me feel like I wanted to go jump in the Hudson for a swim. But then I got the feeling I wanted to stay. Go-stay; I couldn't make up my mind. 2. "Then, the Barclay Goodrow gobbledy-gook started all over and I wanted to ride off into the sunset on The Skating Giraffe, Matt Rempe. 3. "But then the club started winning and winning and it looked like it could win another (dreaded) Presidents' Trophy. (YUK!) I didn't know what to think. 4. "Meanwhile, my favorite goalie decided that he wanted to make more money than Breadman and Mika put together. 5. My boss, Chris Drury, then pulled a fast one on Shesty and signed The Lafrenière Kid to a bazzilion francs. (Drury gave Kid Alexis a ten-spot and told him to get two coffees and a muffin. (Kid Alexis told him it only came to $3.50. Drury said he wants to have it in Booton.) 6. "Drury gave Shesterkin more cash than the King of England makes in a lifetime. Igor then yelled across the room, 'The tea is on the house.' (Zibanejad whispered to Breadman: 'But Igor doesn't have a house.') 7. "Christmas arrived and Santa Ranger gave away first place, second place and third place. 8. "Drury sent Trouba to a warm place, and put Rempe on a Hartford Merry-Go-Round. The GM had a pleasant dream that Mika actually was backchecking. (It turned into a nightmare!) 9. "Drury sent Kaapo Kakko to a cold place and Zac Jones told Lavvy where he could go. 10. "The new year arrived and we were winning again. Lavvy was so happy he said 'The coffee is on the house – but no doubles – and you pay for your own muffins!' 11. "January almost ended with the club over the .500 mark. 'Is that good or bad?' Mika asked the New Guy, Will Borgen."Why are you asking me?' Borgen shot back, 'I'm still trying to find out why Lavvy put me on the power play!' 12. "On Saturday, we're in Boston. It will be a big day because the 100 shrinks handling our cases will deliver their advice. But I sneaked a look. They recommend only three little words: 'KEEP IT SIMPLE.'"
