The Senators announced on Wednesday morning that Ullmark is their 2025-26 nominee for the NHL's Masterton Trophy for perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey.
“I am broken still. I'm not fully, completely healed.”
There is no denying that it has been a challenging season for Ottawa Senators goaltender Linus Ullmark.
On Wednesday, the Ottawa chapter of the PHWA announced that it had selected Ullmark as the Senators’ nominee for the Bill Masterton Trophy.
The Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy is an annual award under the trusteeship of the Professional Hockey Writers Association (PHWA) and is given "to the National Hockey League player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey."
“It's both good and bad,” Ullmark stated while reflecting on the nomination. “It's one of those honours where it's very notable, but you don't really want it because that means you've gone through a lot of stuff. It means you've gone through hardships that people don't want to go through. So it's bittersweet in that way.
“It's very honourable getting the nomination, obviously. I’m very thankful for that, and I wouldn't be here for all the support that I've gotten from the organization, my teammates, family, and friends.”
Ullmark took a six-week leave earlier in the season. During his absence, the goaltender sat down for an exclusive one-on-one interview with TSN’s Claire Hanna. Ullmark admitted that he took the leave to deal with his mental health, and stated that he was dealing with undisclosed problems dating back to the time of his trade from Boston to Ottawa.
“There’s been a lot going on for a long time. I would say dating back to, ever since the trade, and a lot of things have been positive as well throughout the years,” Ullmark told Hanna. “But, a lot of the things that I had gone through or worried about haven’t really been dealt with in the right way.
“Things have been piling on, off the ice and on the ice. There comes a time, and you never know when, when the cup starts to overflow. For me, that was the game against Toronto (on Dec. 27) where I was having panic attacks – not attacks, but, you know, seriously having anxiety problems and panic in between the first and second period and leading into the first period.”
After that game, Ullmark called the Player Assistance program seeking help to get the tools he needed to better position himself.
“(The organization) hasn't treated me any differently, which I don't want them to do either,” Ullmark acknowledged while reflecting on his return. “I'm still the same person. The only difference is that I'm now more aware that I was broken, and still am very much fighting the demons every single day. This time around, the difference is that I have more tools and more knowledge about this whole situation and about myself, so I'm able to handle it better than before.
“Coming to the conclusion that you are broken and need help fixing is very tough and very hard to do, but once you take the step, you can work towards becoming better. That's been the biggest part.”
Ullmark had established a checklist of goals for himself to return. The first objective he set was to build motivation to step on the ice, so he could begin to find joy in the game again.
“The first and foremost (goal) was my motivation for even stepping on the ice,” Ullmark explained. “I'm not going to go into too much detail, but that's the biggest one. There was no eagerness. There was no love. There was no joy of even thinking about playing hockey.
“For me, it was, first of all, getting that joy in my everyday life back, being able to have fun with my kids and generally have fun with them, and not a fake it till you make it sort of a thing. And then also trying to fill the void, but feeling that I want to play hard again, because that, at the very lowest, you are thinking that, ‘I can just shut it down now and stop playing. Nothing's gonna change. What can I gain from playing hockey?’ It just makes me feel bad and makes me feel all the emotions that you don't want to feel.”
Once Ullmark began checking items off his list, the process took longer than he had initially anticipated. Rather than rush back, he let the process play out organically rather than burden himself with expectations.
“During this whole process, I had goals of playing at a certain game, and I didn't meet it,” Ullmark said, describing his six-week leave. “Then we set a new one, and I didn't make that. So I missed out, so to speak. I failed to meet my own expectations a couple of times leading up to that home game. But then, once I felt good enough, we found a great time, and the things that I needed to check off the list were checked off.
“(The first game back) was very much in a very emotional game to play, and I couldn't have asked for a better result. But in the moment, I was happier to just stand there in the game looking around in the building, soaking in the scenery again, and just be happy to be back. And that's most of the time now as well. Everybody talks about the results, playoffs, everything like that, all the white noise. But, during this time, I really tried to catch myself or just stop and experience it and not focus too much on the outcome and the results, because that's gonna happen either way."
Ullmark has incorporated these new skills to help him manage his situation. They are tools that he previously did not have at his disposal.
“I was doing work beforehand, and for me, it's just I needed more help, and at the point, and it was scary at the moment as well, because I didn't know what was wrong and didn't know how to fix it,” the goaltender admitted. “You're looking at a problem. If you don't know how to do it yourself, you're looking for help from other people. And that goes for everything. If you know, if you’re not a handyman, you call in a contractor. If you can't sew clothes, you're calling a tailor. If you watch YouTube, you might fix it in like one or two seconds, and then it will break apart in three.
“So this is about me, and for the long term, as well. It's not something that I just have to deal with, right? I know that this is a very long process, and the help and the support that I've gotten has been immense. I'm very proud of this fall, that whenever my name gets mentioned, that I've helped (others) in a way to maybe come forward and say that they're also dealing with things, their anxieties, their performance anxiety, or whatever it may be. I feel for them, first of all, obviously, and it's not like I'm happy that my name gets mentioned. It's honourable, and it's nice to see that speaking up can help other people as well.”
Speaking of helping, Ullmark’s numbers have improved markedly since his return.
When he left the Senators following the team’s 7-5 loss to the Toronto Maple Leafs on December 27th, the goaltender had underwhelming metrics. Although he posted a 14-8-5 record in 28 appearances, his 2.95 goals against average and .881 save percentage were pedestrian. Ullmark also had a -9.10 goals saved above expected (GSAx) metric per Evolving-Hockey, which was, at the time, the second-worst metric in the NHL. He did not resemble the goaltender the Senators believed in when they traded for him and signed him to a four-year, $33 million contract extension.
Since Ullmark’s return, however, he has played at a significantly higher level. In his 18 appearances since his return, the goaltender has a 7.84 GSAx, an 11-4- 3 record, a 2.66 goals-against average, and an .894 save percentage.
Despite the improved results, there have been some down moments. When Ullmark did not play in the team’s Saturday, March 28, game in Tampa Bay, it became a talking point on social media, sports radio, and in podcast circles.
Ullmark needed the rest.
“I am broken still,” Ullmark affirmed. “I'm not fully, completely healed. If (Thomas Chabot) has an injury, no one's gonna question that. But just because of that, I've been playing and all of a sudden, I'm not available, people just started attacking me. ‘No, he needs to play. He needs to be available, and this is what we pay him for.’ Buddies, I am very much trying my very hardest every single day to be there, and I was not having the best of days leading up to the Tampa game.”
Part of that criticism, Ullmark believes, stems from an old school perspective that place a ton of value on mental health.
“As hockey players, especially, we're not forced, but we're used to numbing things down because we're playing so many games where we're battling so hard every night. Then you have the playoffs, and you can play almost 100 games in one season. You want to be there for your team at all times. You have that respect towards them, but you also feel the pressure that you need to step up.
"Everybody is going through it. Everybody's going through different things, the aches and pains. So, we're just so used to it. That's why I think it's so hard for some people to really take a step back and realize and think about, ‘How do I feel? Am I myself, or am I just, focusing on one thing and that just one thing keeps me going?’”
The goaltender did want to make it clear that it was not his choice alone not to play.
“I'm not making decisions on starting or not,” Ullmark elucidated. “That's going to be absolutely clear. I'm not the one making that decision. I can only say, and that's what I've been trying to do as well during this whole period, is that I'll try to be really honest about how I feel. I'm the first one to say that, ‘I'm doing fucking shit.’ But, I'm also the first one to say, ‘Hey, I'm having a great day.’
“At the end of the day, I'm not the one who's making the decision to play or not. That's on the coaches. The coaches will talk to me, and then we will come up with a good plan to see what will be the best way forward. I don't want people to say I'm the one making the decision about whether I can play. It's not like that. I have all the love for the boys, and there's nothing else that I want to do but compete and play at my top level. But people have to think about it as well and realize that if I'm at 30 percent, it's not a very good Linus Ullmark playing at the moment. I’d rather have a guy who may be 70, 80, 90, 100 percent at the time. So, it’s a very tricky scale to weigh.”
His emphasis on recharging impacts him not only at the rink but also at home.
“It's super hard. Every day is taxing. You're running on low fumes sometimes, and you need to take more care of yourself from different perspectives. There are certain moments when my battery is so low that I don't want to be with anyone. When those times happen, and you're home, and you have two kiddos, you have to be able to give them everything that you can. Is it 10 percent? Is it 30? Is it 50 percent? I don't know.
"Sometimes it could be 95 percent, and I'm really happy about those moments when I can just be there fully engaged. But I'm also happy that whenever I am at 34 percent, I'm able to do that and give them everything I can. Yeah, it might not be that I can play with them for four hours, but maybe I can give them one, then I have to rest, or whatever it may be, because it just takes too much energy and it takes a longer time for the battery to refill, so to speak.”
Ullmark credited his support network for helping him through a difficult time.
“(Support) is everything. It doesn't matter what you go through, whether it's an injury or mental health, a slump, or all kinds of things in life. You need that support group. You need your people and feel that you can gain energy, happy times, and laughter from all these good things that you might not be able to do by yourself.”
Now he can begin to enjoy the game again.
“I love hockey, and at the bottom of it, the very deepest thing is that, yes, I love hockey,” Ullmark admitted. “I enjoy playing hockey, but it's also very different playing hockey now than it was 10 or 15 or 25 years ago.
“Hockey used to be everything in life. It used to be the thing that you just wanted to do every single day you're going down, skating on the open ice, playing hockey, playing floor ball with your buddies, hockey out on the street. Hockey was just fun. I’ve got other more important things in life right now, and so hockey is not number one anymore, but it's certainly up there.”
That increased enjoyment and performance also come with a recognition that his work isn’t done. There is still plenty of runway to go.
“It's amazing how much better and how much you play, and how you feel when you're taking care of it, the team is on the side of it, and you actually feel like yourself again,” Ullmark stated. “I'm not fully healed. I'm not gonna be fully healed for a very long time either.
“The only difference is that I'm going to be able to deal with it better the longer we go and the older I get. But, it's very much a battle this time around, and that's why I'm saying that my battery runs low at a lot of times, and I have to figure out a way to recharge it, because there's been a lot of hockey lately, and there's still a lot of hockey left.”
The Senators only have four games left on the schedule, but they will need Ullmark at his best if they are going to clinch a playoff spot and carry that momentum into the postseason.
Graeme Nichols
The Hockey News
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