One absurd and one realistic prediction for each Vancouver Canucks preseason game.
One absurd and one realistic prediction for each Vancouver Canucks preseason game.
With the Vancouver Canucks’ 2024 training camp now underway, the preseason is just around the corner. Here are two predictions for each preseason game — one semi-realistic and one so absurd that you won’t even give it a second thought (or will you?). It’s up to you to figure out which was intended to be which.
September 24 — vs. Seattle
Nikita Tolopilo starts the game; Ty Young starts the third period.
With concerns over the health of presumed starting goaltenders Thatcher Demko and Artūrs Šilovs, the coaching staff uses the first part of the preseason to gauge the play of their other goaltenders, ultimately letting Nikita Tolopilo start the first game. As the stakes are quite low, and the coaches want to examine every goaltender, Ty Young starts the third period.
Tyler Myers scores two hat-tricks
Now making half of his starting salary with the Canucks, a pretty $3M AAV compared to his former $6M, Myers feels the pressure being pulled off of his shoulders. Determined to prove himself to the organization and the fanbase, he scores a hat-trick in the first period and another in the third.
September 25 — vs. Calgary (in Abbotsford)
Elias Pettersson and Jonathan Lekkerimäki combine for three points each
After news breaks that Elias Pettersson, Jake DeBrusk, and Jonathan Lekkerimäki are spotted taking line rushes together during training camp, the coaching staff decides to keep Pettersson and Lekkerimäki together for the duration of the preseason. Against Calgary in the Abbotsford Centre, the duo puts up three points each.
Nickelback performs during both first and second-period intermissions
The band, unreasonably touted as Canada’s most hated band (or Connor McDavid’s favourite), has ties to Abbotsford and decides to show the rest of the league the greatness of it. They choose to perform during both the first and second intermissions of Vancouver and Calgary’s preseason game at the Abbotsford Centre.
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September 27 — @ Seattle
Neither team ices their “top line”
Still deciding on who to cut and who to keep, both teams decide to ice the players they are most conflicted over. Fringe forwards like Phil Di Giuseppe, Arshdeep Bains, and Max Sasson put up such intriguing performances that it causes management to take another look at them in game-time situations. This means players like J.T. Miller, Quinn Hughes, Matty Beniers, and Jared McCann are kept out of the game.
The Canucks beat the Seattle Kraken so badly that Starbucks renounces them, and JJ Bean creates a drink in the Canucks’ honour
After a 17–1 walloping from the Canucks, Starbucks decides it doesn’t want to associate with the Kraken and pulls all sponsorship from the team. To fire back, JJ Bean creates “The Kraken Killer,” a 17-oz drink with five shots of espresso and blueberry purée. The drink is served at all Canucks home games for $17.
September 28 — @ Calgary
Andrei Kuzmenko scores a hat-trick
Kuzmenko will continue the trend of former Canucks performing fantastically against their old team by scoring a hat-trick against them in the preseason. His performance is reminiscent of Tyler Toffoli’s first game against Vancouver as part of the Montréal Canadiens.
The final score of the game is 33–22
Neither goalie for each team is confident in his abilities. As a result, both teams drive the game with an influx of offence, with a goal being scored nearly every minute. Halfway through, both coaches decide to bench four of their defensemen. The game ends 33–22 with both Sedin brothers in the building.
September 30 — @ Edmonton
Connor McDavid registers zero points
Whether this is because he sits out of the game, or because the Canucks stifle his offensive firepower by matching him up against a good shutdown line, the Oilers star does not record a single point against the Canucks in this game. The former is most likely the reason for an outcome like this, but with J.T. Miller matched up against McDavid, anything is possible.
The NHL decides to redo game 7 of the Pacific Division Finals of the 2024 playoffs
After Canucks Nation write a Google review complaining about the NHL, the league decides to hold game 7 of the 2024 Canucks and Oilers series again. They decide that the score of the first preseason game the two teams face each other in will be the new game 7. The game ends the exact same way.
October 4 — vs. Edmonton
Thatcher Demko starts the game
After sitting out for nearly the entire preseason, the Canucks coaching staff decides that it’s time to bring back the ace up their sleeves. With more time to recover and more time to work with new goalie coach Marko Torenius, Demko returns to a playable status just in time for the regular season.
A large bench brawl begins after Quinn Hughes high-sticks Connor McDavid
Quinn Hughes, who still remembers being high-stuck in the face by Connor McDavid, exacts his revenge on the Oilers superstar. This action creates a massive bench brawl with players, coaches, and training staff alike engaging in the fight. The brawl only ends after Fin the Whale and Hunter the Lynx knock each other out.
